Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down the road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'In-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we

have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'

The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'

Thanks, Tim

When Females Drink Too Much

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling 'woo-hoo!' is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's butt and honestly believe we could do it too.

4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like homeless hookers than the goddesses we were just four hours ago.

5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much.

6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'oh my god! I love this song!'

7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.

8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the vodka.

10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)

11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.

12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.

Thanks, Mona

Steve, Are You With Me?

This guy reminds me of Chet from the movie Weird Science - Bill Paxton.

Is Your Jar Full?

When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar......and the beer.

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "Yes."

The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.

The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Via

Funny Signs

Via