Friday, January 4, 2008

NOGGIN, You're Starting To Piss Me Off

I was so excited when Noggin (it's like preschool on TV) announced it would be on air 24 hours a day instead of turning into one of the 100 or so teen or tween or preteen or whatever the hell you want to call it channels they have on TV at 5:00. Noggin's website says this: "Preschoolers are always learning, so we're always here. NOGGIN becomes a 24-hour channel 12/31/07!"

Are you kidding me? I've got the DVR set up to record Max & Ruby that supposedly comes on at 6:30. What show does it record? Not Max & Ruby, but Kenan & Kel. What the hell is Kenan & Kel? If that's preschool on TV, then I'm homeschooling, no ifs, ands or buts.

NOGGIN, get your crap together and quit messing with my head.

Leona Campbell On Smoking (Mad TV)

Top 10 Languages Spoken In The World

I guess nobody speaks in the gray areas?

Via: Blame It On The Voices: Top 10 Languages Spoken In The World

1. Mandarin - Number of speakers: 1 billion+

2. English - Number of speakers: 508 million

3. Hindustani - Number of speakers: 497 million

4. Spanish - Number of speakers: 392 million

5. Russian - Number of speakers: 277 million

6. Arabic - Number of speakers: 246 million

7. Bengali - Number of speakers: 211 million

8. Portuguese - Number of speakers: 191 million

9. Malay-Indonesian - Number of speakers: 159 million

10. French - Number of speakers: 129 million

Candyman Perv

This is why parents warn their kids not to take candy from strangers.

Via: Blame It On The Voices: Candyman

Is he wearing a mouth piece? Does that really matter?

Mrs. Hughes Skewed Views

This is hilarious!

I can't get the embedded video to work in Firefox, but it does in Internet Explorer. Here's the link.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Kids & Their Messes

I would freak out if I walked in and saw Shorty in any of these situations...wait a minute I think I have walked in on Shorty in a few of these situations.

Cute Kids & Soap The Perfect Mix - Amazing videos are here

Via: Bits & Pieces

Smack The Penguin

This is too much fun. I beat Papa Rooster's score of 317. I got 321.1. So how far can you smack the penguin?

Wildest Christmas Dinner

This is hilarious...even more so if it's true. Sounds like something that would happen at one of our family Christmas dinners.

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?'Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay, my brother said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny! Hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Via: Bits & Pieces: Wildest Christmas dinner

The Bet

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants, et cetera, so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the president of the Bank of Canada !'

Thanks, Tim

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

For that second childhood...

Via: Bits & Pieces: For that second childhood...

Finger Length Points To Arthritis Risk

"For the study, they looked at more than 2,000 people who were considering joint replacements because of arthritis and more than 1,100 people with no symptoms. All were given X-rays of the knees, hips and hands."

"People with shorter index fingers were twice as likely as others to have arthritis in some part of the knee. The lead researcher said the evidence showed that finger ratios are a new risk factor for arthritis."

Via: Finger Length Points To Arthritis Risk - Health News Story - KXAS | Dallas

Great Cats!

I promise I'll be good.

Don't forget I still have claws!

Thanks, Martha

Rejected Crayola colors

Via: Blame It On The Voices: Rejected Crayola colors

Free Air Guitar

Via: Nothing To Do With Arbroath: Please take one

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Guns Up!

Don't assume anything.

Don't leave early.

Expect the unexpected.

Texas Tech 31 - Virginia 28

Wishes For You

I stole this from Jonco over at Bits & Pieces. It's too good not to share.

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address!

Bits & Pieces: I've renewed your contract for 2008

The Rest Of The Hounds

Mary Ann (aka Miss Mack, Miss Mack Attack, Macka Macka) and Millie (aka Pretty Put, Millieput, Walrus Butt). Mary Ann is the mama dog. Millie is one of her and Willie's (see below) pups. Bandit (aka Bandito, Little Bit) is also one of their pups.

This is Willie (aka Wilbur Mitchell, Willie B., Whinebag Willie). He's kind of camera shy. I guess it's because of the cowlick on top of his head.

Who's That Precious Dog Down There?

The owner of that huge nose is one of our four Basset Hounds, Bandit.


I smell a good year coming.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Coin Jar Calculator

First, weigh your coin jar. You can use a standard scale that you would use to weigh yourself with. To get more accuracy we suggest that you calculate the weight by stepping on the scale holding the coin jar and then again without it. You then subtract the second number from the first number for the coin jar weight.

Second, grab a representative handful of coins from the jar and count how many of each coin you got in your handful. Make sure you get a good random mix of coins that reflects the mixture of coins in the jar. Then fill in the values below and click the "Get Estimation" button.

This is for United States Currency only currently. It will not calculate right with any other currency in the world. - [Coin Jar Calculator]

Via: Neatorama

Happy New Year

Here's to the year that has gone
With its share of joy and sadness
And here's to the year to come
May it have a full measure of gladness

The secret to eternal happiness

Via: Blame It On The Voices: The secret to eternal happiness

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Get Down To Birdtown


What Musical Instrument Are You At Heart?

what musical insterment are you at heart?


you like to be annoying

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

This person is obviously not a big speller.

What Kind Of Donut Are You!

What Kind Of Donut Are You!

Powdered Donut

Filled with blueberry, cherry, or lemon jelly, or just plain. Did you use to wet your lips and pretend you had powdered lipstick when you were little?

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

Darlie Routier, You're So Vain

I feel compelled to write about this girl. I don't know why other than the whole ordeal has bothered me since I first heard about it back in June of 1996. I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. She is the person who was convicted of brutally stabbing to death her two young sons in Rowlett, Texas.

First of all, let me start this off by saying what you may already know - that I'm a certified shorthand reporter, although a non-practicing one since before the birth of our daughter in 2005, but I have still kept my license up. I started practicing court reporting in January of 1994.

I can't remember the year this happened, but I went to a Tarrant County Court Reporters Association meeting where Sandra Halsey, the court reporter for the entire Darlie Routier trial gave a presentation. She brought in blown-up, poster-sized pictures which had been marked as evidence in the trial. For some reason, the only picture that really stands out in my mind is the picture of the alleged murder weapon - the knife.

I remember this court reporter, who later lost her license because of all the errors she made in the transcript and was actually jailed for a while because she didn't have the transcript ready in time, I remember her talking about how the Leeza Gibbons show had contacted her and wanted her to be on the Leeza show. I remember Ms. Halsey saying that Darlie Routier was definitely guilty. It wasn't until later on that I realized during the time this court reporter was out giving presentations about the Darlie Routier murder trial, she had not finished the transcript. Darlie Routier received the death penalty. When someone receives the death penalty in Texas, and maybe, in fact, anywhere, the court reporter knows that they'll have to produce the transcript of the trial. Why was this lady out giving speeches when she should have been working on the transcript?

Fast forward a few months or a year or something like that. I'm at another court reporter seminar, this time in Dallas or Richardson or somewhere. Doug Mulder, Darlie's criminal attorney is now giving a speech or talking about the Routier trial. I can't remember what all he talked about. In fact, I don't remember him talking about the Routier case that much. I know he was kind of bragging about all the individuals he had "gotten off" in other criminal cases.

Near the end of the seminar, I grew enough juevos to raise my hand and ask him a question. The question was this: What percentage of people that you've represented and "gotten off" have gone on to re-offend? In a typical lawyer-like fashion, he skirted the issue and talked in circles for a while and never actually answered the question.

I just watched a show on the Biography channel the other day. I had seen it before, but watched it again anyway. The show was called Notorious and the subject for this show was Darlie Routier. They showed brief interviews with Mr. Mulder. And during one of those interviews, Mr. Mulder said something that really stuck out in my mind. He said he didn't think the video of Darlie Routier shooting Silly String and chewing gum and singing Happy Birthday over her sons' grave would have any affect on the jurors. Can I just say, What the hell were you thinking, Mulder?

Fast forward another year or a few months or something. I'm at another court reporters seminar in Fort Worth. This time the presenter or speech-giver or whatever you want to call it was Darlie Routier's appeal attorney Stephen Cooper. His main focus was all the errors in the original trial transcript - 33,000 errors to be exact. We're not talking about all little, tiny, minor errors. We're talking about where a yes should have been a no. I remember one of the questions was: Was the door to the garage locked? The trial transcript answer said, Yes. In actuality the person had said, No. That's a pretty big mistake, especially when someone's life is on the line.

I also remember Mr. Cooper saying that the prosecution contended that Darlie didn't have any defensive wounds, i.e., bruises, et cetera. At least one of the jurors in the case does not remember seeing any pictures when Darlie was in the hospital immediately after the attack that showed any type of bruising. Look at this:

I must say, I didn't hear all the evidence everyone had to present, but in actuality, I don't think the 12 jurors who gave Darlie the death penalty heard or saw all the evidence there was to be seen. I think the police, the detectives, the crime scene guys all went into the Routier house with the idea that this crime was committed by an intruder, someone who did not live inside the home. But I believe that they quickly changed their thinking and started trying to make a case against Darlie. Why? I don't know. One of the articles I read on the web was entitled, Guilty By Default, and for some reason or another I tend to agree with that.

Darlie Routier is very vain. She's got fake boobs, fake hair and no telling what else is fake on her. Does the fact that she's vain mean she loves her sons any less than a non-vain person? Does the fact that she's vain mean she's a murderer? I don't think so. I think if anyone deserves another trial, it's Darlie.

Please read the comment section.

I Want A Wii

I went to my sister's yesterday to celebrate Christmas with my niece and her husband who live in Lubbock. I have to add that my nephew and his girlfriend (or should I say fiance) are now in Jacksonville, Florida. They've got second row seats for the Gator Bowl. GO RED RAIDERS!

Anyway, back to the subject. My sister got a Wii for Christmas from her husband. He bought it the day after Thanksgiving at Sam's. My sister is 45 + years old, but that doesn't matter. She loves it. I got to bowl and play tennis. I would have loved to do some boxing, but I'm afraid I would have started sweating like a hooker on nickel night and that wouldn't have been pretty.

I wonder when the stores will get any in stock? Probably summer of 2008. That reminds me of this picture:

If the two readers of my blog have any idea where I can get one, please let me know because I need to lose some weight!


Via: Bits & Pieces