Thursday, December 4, 2008

How Old Is Your Brain?

How old is your brain?

1. Click on 'start'
2. Wait for 3, 2, 1. TO COUNT DOWN ON YOUR SCREEN
3. Memorize each number's position on the screen, then click the circle's from smallest number to the biggest number. It flashes quickly, so pay attention.
4. At the end of game, the computer will tell you the age of your brain.

Thanks, Peggy

My brain is 20 - funny because my body feels like I'm about 75.

How To Get Jail Time For A Speeding Ticket

This made me jump.


Thanks, Mom

Saturday, November 15, 2008

No Hard Feelings

(This is funny no matter how you voted.)

The election day is over,
The talking is done.
My party lost, your party won.
So let us be friends,
Let arguments pass.
I'll hug my elephant,
You kiss your ass.....

Thanks, Mom

Sister Myotis On Thongs - Southern-Fried & Sanctified

Thanks, Mom

Friday, November 14, 2008

Lay Off The Nog, Boozy

Saw this over at Rare Bird Finds:

They're Christmas cards and they are hilarious.

Go over to Etsy and buy them.

There's tons to choose from.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I Don't See Anything



Via

158 Years Ago...

(I hope this doesn't offend anyone - I just thought it was too damn funny!)

You know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

1. California became a state.

2. The state had no electricity.

3. The state had no money.

4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

5. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

Thanks, Mom

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Walmart Bingo


(Click for bigger)

Thanks, Mona

President-Elect Obama

Via the Star Telegram:

"His name etched in history as America's first black president, Barack Obama turned from the jubilation of victory to the sober challenge of leading a nation worried about economic crisis, two unfinished wars and global uncertainty. "

Pray for our nation and its leaders.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Live Election Results



Via

Always Check Your Children's Homework



Mom works at Home Depot. She was selling a shovel.

Thanks, Becky

Kentucky Math



Hope they don't calculate the election results this way.

Thanks, Martha

Friday, October 24, 2008

You Might Be A Redneck...

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God.

If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those.

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Thanks, Mom

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008

Something To Think About

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?

Thanks, Mom

Is that true? Did the Government really seize the Mustang Ranch?

Halloween Is Going To Suck This Year


Via

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Fourth Marriage

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

Thanks, Mom

Monday, October 6, 2008

50 Beautiful Girls, Plus A Bonus?


Reminds my of a strip club in Whiskey Flats (little town between Benbrook and Cresson) called TU's, also known as Tough & Uglies.

Housework

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........Ralph was too tired.'

Thanks, Sheri

Hyundai Ad



Via

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Whataburger With A Side Of Cigarette Butts


This has got to be one of the grossest abodes I've ever seen. This person needs serious help.

Go here to see all the pics and read the story.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sex, Church & Pancakes

Sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom ! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom ,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.

Thanks, Sheri

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Who Does Stuff Like This?

I just read a story where someone drove by a ranch in Parker County that raises livestock and apparently shot five cows and two horses, then they proceeded to cut the tongues out of two of the cows mouths. Freaks, sickos - this is just unbelievable to me.

They're Calling This A Bonehead Play...



I call the guy a jackass.

But Dallas went on to win the game so all is right with the world.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Better Video of Hurricane Ike Streaker

Here's a slower version of the video I uploaded a couple of days ago. The naked guy will come in behind the guy talking - then he'll go off the screen on the left - takes him forever to come back in the shot.

You can hear my little shorty in the background near the end - whoops.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Ike Brings Out The Streakers

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept watching the dang Weather Channel to see what Hurricane Ike was doing. I cracked up when I saw this:

At first I thought the guy running had on a woman's bathing suit - turns out he's totally nude.

You go, boy!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Funny Posters

I think the last one is my favorite.















Thanks, Mona

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Lost Churches In New Orleans

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.

The interviewee was asked if the complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other peoples, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

Thanks, Mom

For All Those Special Grandpas


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'



Thanks, Mom

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Does This Ever Happen To You In The Morning?

Thanks, Elaine

Getting A Job With The FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair...kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Thanks, Mona

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Quote For The Day

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of shit.

Love all the women in your life!!

Thanks, Linda - Love It!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Poppy Seeds Can Make You Fail A Drug Test

I watched Food Detectives the other day. I don't know why, but I really like that show.

From their website:
Science meets food as Ted Allen and his band of culinary sleuths conduct experiments to find the truth behind all of your burning food conundrums.

One of the experiments they conducted was how many poppy seed bagels could a person eat before they would fail a drug test. The answer was 5. But how is that possible - well, the poppy seed is taken from the same plant that opium comes from (or something like that).

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Hope You Got The Goldmine, Jerry Reed - RIP

Jerry Reed died Monday morning. I don't own many cd's, but I do own one of his.



(I have no idea why the video is not showing up on IE - it does in Firefox)

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

911 Call

Don't think this is real, but it's still funny nonetheless.

Thanks, K.C.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Moral Of The Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with t he knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.

'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

"Don't f*** with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Thanks, Mom

Friday, August 29, 2008

Fedex Courier Confidential

Got this email today - kind of a weird one. Do people really fall for this crap?

Hello!
I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirm able Bank Draft of $800.000.00 United States Dollars, but I did not hear from you since that time. Then I went and deposited the Draft with FEDEX EXPRESS DELIVERY, West Africa, I travel led out of the country for a Months Course and I will not come back till end of September.

What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS DELIVERY as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the expiring date. For your information,I have paid for the delivering Charges, Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country. Again, I would have paid for the security keeping fee but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demur rage.

You have to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS INTERNATIONAL with the following informations:
First name:
Last Name:
Telephone:
Nationality:
Age:
Occupation:
Address:

Dispatch Director: Rev. Terry Smith
Email Address: info.fedexcourierservice10@yahoo.com rev.terrysmith10@fedex.com
Telephone:+2348067848330

You are advice to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $240.00 US Dollars for their immediate action.You should also let me know through email as soon as you receive your Draft.
Yours Faithfully, Mrs.Mary Jones

Yeah - I'll get right on that, Mrs. Jones.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Laws Of Mankind

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Thanks, Martha

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Are You Having A Jellyfish Bad Day?

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my whole butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, Is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Thanks, Sheri

Monday, August 25, 2008

Foul Ball - Got Your Cup?

Big Daddy sent this to me. He thinks guys getting hit in the nads is hilarious. He won't admit to that, but I know the truth.



Thanks, Big Daddy

(Love you bunches!)

Why Women Stay Single

Thanks, Sheri

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Careful What You Complain About

This is off of Craig's List:

Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were.

A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back.

Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall. When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must have stung quite a bit.

The complaint:
'Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base:
Whom do we thank for the morning air show? Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 A.M., a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet.

Imagine our good fortune! Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns early bird special? Any response would be appreciated.'

The response:
Regarding 'A wake-up call from Luke's jets'

On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four- ship fly by of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter S quadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques..

Capt. Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.

At 9 a.m.on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend. Based on the letter writer's recount of the fly by, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured.

A four-ship fly by is a display of respect the Air Force gives to those who give their lives in defense of freedom. We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.

The letter writer asks, 'Whom do we thank for the morning air show? The 56th Fighter Wing will make the call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives. Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you...Jesus Christ and the American Soldier. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Lt.Col. Grant L Rosensteel, Jr, USAF

Thanks, Mom

Sandcastles



Via Phils Phun

Saturday, August 23, 2008

One Year & Still Poking Along

I just realized my blog was a year old yesterday! Whoopee! Can't believe it's been that long. This post will be number 1745! That's crazy to me. For those that have been with me since the beginning, thank you for hanging around. And to all the new people that cruise by, stick around, you might find something you like.

Reverse or Rewind, Please.



Via

Friday, August 22, 2008

Man Catches Record-Sized Catfish On Barbie Fishing Pole


I think it's awesome this man had no qualms telling people that he caught that fish on his granddaughter's Barbie fishing pole. Too cool. Read the story here.

Land Of The Lost - Chaka

While I'm on the subject of making myself feel kind of old, reminiscing about all the old shows I used to watch growing up - one of my all-time favorites was the Land of the Lost. You know, Marshall, Will & Holly, on a routine expedition.


I always secretly wished I was Holly except for when those crazy ass Sleestack things came hissing and moaning around and scaring the bejeezus out of me. There was one episode that scared me so bad that I can remember it to this day. It was an episode where there was this shiny, sparkly man. He was, like, made out of coins. How freaky. Who thinks up crap like that?

But anyway, onto this burning question that has bothered me to this day...who the hell was Chaka?

I always, until this very moment, thought Chaka was this guy:


Who is the brother of this guy:




But Chaka was some guy named Philip Paley - some martial arts, hong kong phooey dude.


This is an example of useless crap that sometimes keeps me up at night.

Kids Of The '70s, Rejoice!

I about had a heart attack the other day when I found out that The Banana Splits Show was making a comeback. I used to love that show. One banana, two banana, three banana four - hum dee dumdy dumdy dumdy nunnanunn nun. They used to crack me up. I didn’t like the cartoons they showed, but I about peed my pants laughing whenever those people in suits came on the screen. Go here to check out The Banana Splits.



I just read that The Electric Company will be making a comeback in January 2009 on PBS. Will it come on after Sesame Street like it used to? I have no idea.



Why am I so excited about this? I have no idea. Will Dusty’s Treehouse or New Zoo Review make a comeback? How about Gigglesnort Hotel? Oh, my.


How about the Bugaloos? The Bugaloos, the bugaloos, they’re in the air and everywhere. Flying high, flying low, flying free as a summer breeze.

I was so obsessed with the Bugaloos that I named my kitten Sparky. What a silly kid I was. Still am.

Funny T-Shirts & Bumper Stickers





Thanks, Martha (I think I like the second one the best!)

The Genius That Is Chris Knight

I have been in love with Chris Knight since the very first time I heard him years and years ago. Every song Chris Knight puts out, I fall in love with. This guy is a talented singer and most importantly one hell of a songwriter.

You've got to give a listen to this - sorry can't embed it: It Ain't Easy Being Me (sometimes my anthem)

Here's William (the beginning is cut off, but that's okay):

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Southern Skinny Dippin'

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Thanks, Martha

Are You A Republican, A Democrat, Or A Texan?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner , locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Colt 1911 cal. 45 semiautomatic pistol, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What
do you do?
..................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he becontent just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
..................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
..................................................

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Thanks, Mom

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Jenny The Elephant


Hey, treehuggers or elephant huggers or whatever you call yourselves, leave Jenny the Elephant alone. She's not going to Mexico or Tennessee. She's staying where she has been for the last 22 years of her life - in Dallas. The damn zoo is making her a 4-acre spread to hang out in and is bringing her in a new buddy in October. Now that's not enough? Get over yourselves.


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Adam & Eve

We all know this story!!!

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other.


Thanks, Big Daddy

Check Out This Post

I thought about just copying and pasting this post from my other blog, but this is easier. Go check it out.

Cracked's 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants

Want To Drive Your Dog Insane While You're At Work


I saw this dog bowl over on Rare Bird Finds and thought it was funny. It's called the Chatterbowl.


Just fill up the bowl with water or food and leave a pre-recorded message and every time Fluffy or Fido comes to get a drink or eat, they'll hear your voice.

I don't know why, but in my head I see someone leaving a message saying something like, "Hey, Fido, be a good boy." Then when you get home from work, you find Fido passed out on the floor from exhaustion and your couch all torn up and feathers and pillows everywhere, claw marks on the door frames, sheetrock powder all over the place because Fido has been doing everything he can to find you and your ass has been at work all day. Oh, psych, Fido, that was just your new fancy dog bowl; that wasn't really me, boy.

Monday, August 18, 2008

What To Do With Empty Wine Bottles



I read about this thing in the local paper. I thought it was a cool idea - especially if you're a wino and your plants are all dying.

It's called the Wine Bottle Plant Nanny. You can get them for regular bottles as well, like old 2-liters. But that wouldn't look near as cool as a wine bottle stuck in your half-dead ivy.

They're $15.99 for a set of 4 at Olive Barn.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hilarious Blog

You've probably heard about him already, but his name is Black Hockey Jesus and the name of his blog is The Wind In Your Vagina and he is hilarious. I don't usually laugh out loud at stuff I'm reading, but I find myself cracking up every time I read one of his posts.

In this post he talks about, among other things, product reviews.

I would love for people to send me free crap too so I could review it. I don't give a crap if it's a pooper scooper - I'd go outside and scoop me some poop and tell all of y'all what the hell I thought about it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Big Foot Found?


Did that lady just say "This is vile"?


I think if I found Big Foot and put him in a freezer, I'd make damn sure the freezer was working at all times.

I think that Big Foot is still on the loose. He might be in my neighborhood grunting sounds like the monkey-duck I heard the other night. Oh, lawd, lock the windows and dead bolt the doors!!

Blog Won't Update In Reader

I have no idea what's going on, but my blog will not update in Google Reader. I've pinged everything I know how to ping and still nothing. Hopefully it will work itself out.

Emails Supposedly From CNN & MSNBC

I've been receiving emails the past few days from supposedly CNN and MSNBC. I was smart enough not to click on one of the links in the email - wow, that's a miracle. If I had clicked on one, I would have been sent to a website that would have attempted to trick me into downloading what is described as a video player plug-in. Instead, the malicious software would have infected my computer, ultimately giving hackers complete control over the machine. Infected computers are then used to send out even more spam.

Go here to read more.

Who Couldn't Stand To Lose A Few Pounds?

My mother-in-law emailed me this link a few days ago. It's a wonderful idea and the best part about it is it's free.


It's called WeightView. You submit a full length photo of yourself, preferably one taken outside, and they'll send you the photo back, only this time it's you minus however many pounds you want to lose. This is an awesome idea. I can't wait to try it - even though I hate seeing pictures of myself - especially full length ones.


Here's an example:


Then you can take the pictures and hang them on your fridge and then get your little shorty to yell "oink, oink" or "moo, moo" every time you head for the kitchen.