Saturday, January 12, 2008

Redneck Lawn Mower



The Redneck Page

The Octopus Who Loves Mr. Potato Head

Don't be messin' with my tater-head.

"Louis, a giant Pacific octopus, clearly thinks two heads are better than one when it comes to toys. The 6 feet wide creature is so attached to Mr Potato Head that he turns aggressive when aquarium staff try to remove it from his tank."

"The octopus from the Blue Reef Aquarium in Newquay, Cornwall, was given the toy for Christmas and attacks the net used to fish the toy out every time they try to take it away."

Via: The Presurfer: The Octopus Who Loves Mr Potato Head

Is Olan Mills Still In Business?

Got these in an email from a friend. I'm actually in one of these pictures. Can you tell which one? Leave me a comment and I might tell you if you're right. Family & friends can't answer because that would just be cheating.

Those glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne.


Drake won Bitchin'est Senior Mullet by a landslide.


That dude wore a tie for nothing.


I wanted a shot like this for my wedding. The Mrs. said no.


Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence. Is that an animal carcass behind her?


Oh, this is super. What better way to capture the charm and innocence of a child than to plunk him down amid the coarse trappings of a life lived in pursuit of wealth -- oversized bills, an adding machine and the Wall Street Journal -- and make him sit inside a briefcase? (They probably just fold up the little demon right in there to carry him home.) The finishing touch is the globe, which completes the portrait of the young Antichrist in Chess King vest and Red Goose loafers, plotting his takeover of the world (insert maniacal laugh). That is, as soon as someone changes his poopy diaper.


Nothing says 1987 like wrap-around braces and huge silver jewelry - oh, yeah, and poofy wing hair.


This photo isn't discolored. The 70s really were that Orange.


I got a 20 that says he drives a Camaro.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Cat Overboard



Thanks, Martha

NASA Footage

For Papa Rooster:



Via: The Presurfer

Awww, To Be Six Again

You can't blame a guy for trying...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again,' she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size,
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Power Windows

I absolutely adore The Red Green Show. One of my favorite episodes is where Red comes up with an idea to keep people from tailgating you. His solution was to duct tape an open briefcase to the top of your vehicle.

In this episode, he figures out a way to make the "lower middle class" look richer. Could have used this on Brown Sugar and about three other cars I've owned.
video

Red Green

Thursday, January 10, 2008

“Meanest Mom on the Planet” Sold Kid’s Car

When Jane Hambleton of Fort Dodge, Iowa, found a bottle of booze under the front seat of her 19-year-old son’s car, she took out this ad on The Des Moines Register’s classifieds:

"Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for 3 weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet."

And that got her nationwide attention and kudos from a lot of people!

More Here: Neatorama » Blog Archive » “Meanest Mom on the Planet” Sold Kid’s Car

Zooming in on the Moon


I don't doubt that this is true.

Via: Blame It On The Voices: Zooming in on the Moon

Stormy Weather

Back on June 1st of 2007, my niece was graduating from the Covenant School of Nursing in Lubbock, Texas. I decided to make the trip from Fort Worth to Lubbock with Shorty. Papa Rooster couldn't go because someone had to stay home to feed the hounds.

Shorty and I took Papa Rooster's truck. And instead of taking the freeway to Lubbock, I decided to take the back roads - the way my grandpa, a truck driver for Frozen Food Express, used to travel back and forth to his home town of Morton, Texas.

As you can see from the pictures below, we were driving on a two-lane road that had no shoulder. These pictures were taken before the bottom fell out:




It's starting to sprinkle in these pictures:

At this point, I'm driving, like, 90 miles an hour, trying to get through the storm.



Then it starts raining. Shorty was not the only one that was scared.



It was at this point I could not take pictures. I was scared - probably the most scared I have ever been. I could not see the road. The wind was blowing so hard. I came upon a little green sign. The sign read, Benjamin. I was so freaked out - I was talking to myself out loud. I read the Benjamin sign as "been jammin."

It's still pouring down rain. There's a van pulled over in a church parking lot. They flash their lights at me as if to say, Pull over. I pull over at the first covered spot I could find which happened to be a little bitty gas station. The building was like a trailer. There was a carport type thing that covered the gas pumps.

I pull up there and we sit and wait. The wind is blowing so hard that it literally picks up the back end of the pickup and moves it a little. The electricity goes out inside the store. I pull the truck forward a bit more, almost touching the building. There's, like, five other cars crammed under this carport thing. And just as quickly as it started, it's over and I have about 3 yards of car seat fabric to pull out of my butt.


Moron Moron arrested after driving truck into home



I had to post this one because I used to live in Burleson. It's about 20 minutes from where I live now. I know a few other morons that live in Burleson. I'm not going to name names though. You know who you are.

Via: Bits & Pieces: Moron Moron arrested after driving truck into home

Pick Me, Pick Me!



Via: Phil's Phun

This Is A Doll


And by doll I don't mean, Oh, what a precious little doll. This is a baby doll, you know, it's fake. This lady makes them and sells them on Ebay. She's talented. But these kind of scare me a little.

Jan's Bundle Of Joy Nursery

Via

Papa Rooster just got home and I was showing him my blog because he never reads it and I have to show him how hilarious I am (yeah, right). Anyway, I show him this post and he jumps up out of the chair and starts backing out of the room saying, "Huh-uh. No. Huh-uh. That shit ain't right. No."

Shorty To The Rescue



How in the hell does something like this happen? It took me about two minutes to publish that post down there about Shorty putting Vaseline on Loco. While I'm writing it, she keeps coming in here, saying "Shorty to the rescue." She pulls one tissue (let's face it folks, I call them Kleenex) out of the box then runs out of the room. Repeat this whole chain of events about six times, and this is what you get - your cat's water bowl full of Kleenex.

Is that a wipey I see in Loco's bowl? Wonder where the hell she got that from? She's probably been playing in her diaper pail. The other day I found a peanut M & M in Loco's water bowl...or at least I hope it was a peanut M & M - gross.

Does this happen to normal mothers?

I better go see what damage has been done this time. Give me strength, Lord, give me strength.

How Does Something Like This Happen?



How does this happen? It's not normal for a cat's fur to part down the middle. This happens when a mother forgets to put the Vaseline up in the cabinet away from a two year old's curious hands.

This happened last night - I should have taken a picture then, but I was too busy freaking out. Shorty put gobs and gobs of Vaseline on "Coco Loco." I'm just thankful she didn't put it on his bo-bo...or at least I hope she didn't. Oh, God, no. Please tell me she didn't.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Thought For The Day


Thanks, Martha

Spank It



Amazing Facts


VideoJug: Amazing Facts

Wedding Cake Is Full-Size Likeness Of Bride


Via The Presurfer: "Chidi Ogbuta of Allen, Texas, USA, poses with her husband, Innocent Ogbuta, on her wedding. To the left is a wedding cake in the likeness of the bride. She had a longtime fantasy of having a doll modeled after her. The cake fulfilled the bride's dream, and took about a week to finish off."

"The cake, which served almost 600 people, was made by designer Nikki Jackson of 'Absolutely Edible.' To create the head, Jackson worked with a sculptor, Elizabeth Bonura."

The Presurfer: Wedding Cake Is Full-Size Likeness Of Bride

Can I just say, What the hell? I've been married twice. The first time the cake was bought at Kroger and the second time the cake was bought at Albertson's. I guess I truly am white trash...white trash with a sparkling tiara that's just a little crooked.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Healthy Information

Apples
Protects your heart
Prevents constipation
Blocks diarrhea
Improves lung capacity
Cushions joints

Apricots
Combats cancer
Controls blood pressure
Saves your eyesight
Shields against Alzheimer's
Slows aging process

Artichokes
Aids digestion
Lowers cholesterol
Protects your heart
Stabilizes blood sugar
Guards against liver disease

Avocados
Battles diabetes
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin

Bananas
Protects your heart
Quiets a cough
Strengthens bones
Controls blood pressure
Blocks diarrhea

Beans
Prevents constipation
Helps hemorrhoids
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Stabilizes blood sugar

Beets
Controls blood pressure
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones
Protects your heart
Aids weight loss

Blueberries
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Stabilizes blood sugar
Boosts memory
Prevents constipation

Broccoli
Strengthens bones
Saves eyesight
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure

Cabbage
Combats cancer
Prevents constipation
Promotes weight loss
Protects your heart
Helps hemorrhoids

Cantaloupe
Saves eyesight
Controls blood pressure
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Supports immune system

Carrots
Saves eyesight
Protects your heart
Prevents constipation
Combats cancer
Promotes weight loss

Cauliflower
Protects against Prostate Cancer
Combats Breast Cancer
Strengthens bones
Banishes bruises
Guards against heart disease

Cherries
Protects your heart
Combats Cancer
Ends insomnia
Slows aging process
Shields against Alzheimer's

Chestnuts
Promotes weight loss
Protects your heart
Lowers cholesterol
Combats Cancer
Controls blood pressure

Chili peppers
Aids digestion
Soothes sore throat
Clears sinuses
Combats Cancer
Boosts immune system

Figs
Promotes weight loss
Helps stops strokes
Lowers cholesterol
Combats Cancer
Controls blood pressure

Fish
Protects your heart
Boosts memory
Protects your heart
Combats Cancer
Supports immune system

Flax
Aids digestion
Battles diabetes
Protects your heart
Improves mental health
Boosts immune system

Garlic
Lowers cholesterol
Controls blood pressure
Combats cancer
Kills bacteria
Fights fungus

Grapefruit
Protects against heart attacks
Promotes Weight loss
Helps stops strokes
Combats Prostate Cancer
Lowers cholesterol

Grapes
Saves eyesight
Conquers kidney stones
Combats cancer
Enhances blood flow
Protects your heart

Green tea
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Helps stops strokes
Promotes Weight loss
Kills bacteria

Honey
Heals wounds
Aids digestion
Guards against ulcers
Increases energy
Fights allergies

Lemons
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Stops scurvy

Limes
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Stops scurvy

Mangoes
Combats cancer
Boosts memory
Regulates thyroid
Aids digestion
Shields against Alzheimer's

Mushrooms
Controls blood pressure
Lowers cholesterol
Kills bacteria
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones

Oats
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Battles diabetes
Prevents constipation
Smoothes skin

Olive oil
Protects your heart
Promotes Weight loss
Combats cancer
Battles diabetes
Smoothes skin

Onions
Reduce risk of heart attack
Combats cancer
Kills bacteria
Lowers cholesterol
Fights fungus

Oranges
Supports immune systems
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Straightens respiration

Peaches
Prevents constipation
Combats cancer
Helps stops strokes
Aids digestion
Helps hemorrhoids

Peanuts
Protects against heart disease
Promotes Weight loss
Combats Prostate Cancer
Lowers cholesterol
Aggravates diverticulitis

Pineapple
Strengthens bones
Relieves colds
Aids digestion
Dissolves warts
Blocks diarrhea

Prunes
Slows aging process
Prevents constipation
Boosts memory
Lowers cholesterol
Protects against heart disease

Rice
Protects your heart
Battles diabetes
Conquers kidney stones
Combats cancer
Helps stops strokes

Strawberries
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Boosts memory
Calms stress

Sweet potatoes
Saves your eyesight
Lifts mood
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones

Tomatoes
Protects prostate
Combats cancer
Lowers cholesterol
Protects your heart

Walnuts
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Boosts memory
Lifts mood
Protects against heart disease

Water
Promotes Weight loss
Combats cancer
Conquers kidney stones
Smoothes skin

Watermelon
Protects prostate
Promotes Weight loss
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Controls blood pressure

Wheat germ
Combats Colon Cancer
Prevents constipation
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Improves digestion

Wheat bran
Combats Colon Cancer
Prevents constipation
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Improves digestion

Yogurt
Guards against ulcers
Strengthens bones
Lowers cholesterol
Supports immune systems
Aids digestion

7 don't's after a meal

* Don't eat fruits immediately - Immediately eating fruits after meals will cause stomach to be bloated with air. Therefore take fruit 1-2 hr after meal or 1hr before meal.

* Don't drink tea - Because tea leaves contain a high content of acid.This substance will cause the Protein content in the food we consume to be hardened thus difficult to digest.

* Don't loosen your belt - Loosening the belt after a meal will easily cause the intestine to be twisted &blocked.

* Don't bathe - Bathing will cause the increase of blood flow to the hands, legs &body thus the amount of blood around the

* Don't walk about - People always say that after a meal walk a hundred steps and you will live till 99. In actual fact this is not true. Walking will cause the digestive system to be unable to absorb the nutrition from the food we intake.
* Don't sleep immediately - The food we intake will not be able to digest properly. Thus will lead to gastric &infection in our intestine.

What the hell is flax?

Spanish For Your Nanny


Spanish For Your Nanny - Watch more funny videos here

Bob Feela (aka Bob Vila)

Has anyone ever noticed how Bob Vila has to touch everything? You probably never noticed it, but I guarantee you, when you see him on This Old House reruns or any show, you'll see what I'm talking about and it will irritate you just like it does me. He walks into a room and starts running his hands on pipes, wood, windows, whatever he can touch. Papa Rooster and I will be watching one of those reruns and one of us will pop off and say something like, Don't touch that pipe, Bob. Step away from the pipe! Don't touch that wall, Bob! It's got fresh paint on it!

I can't find a video to prove this to you people. I did find this video which shows him wanting to touch a door really, really badly, but he can't. It's not really that funny, but maybe it will be after you realize Bob cannot walk into a room without handling something.

Monday, January 7, 2008

I've Been Tagged

I’ve been “tagged” by Jonco at Bits & Pieces. Thanks a lot, Jonco! I'm just kidding. But it's really hard for me to think of seven weird or random facts about myself that y'all don't already know. I had one in my head, passed it by my husband who said, Hell, no, don't tell everybody that!

Here are the rules:

Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog. Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself. Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a notification on their blog.

Here goes:

1. I've lived in Texas all my life and I have never once been stung by a bee. Why? Because I run like hell whenever I see one. People who tell you to sit still, that they won't sting you when you're sitting still are LYING TO YOU.

2. I have one tattoo and only one tattoo. It's located on my inner left heal. Why did I have it put there? So I could hide it whenever I was in court or at a deposition. That didn't work so well though. One time while sitting in court up in Denton County, the judge and the bailiff razzed me about it. They said they had been wondering what other states were represented.

3. I didn't meet my father until I was 14 years old. My parents divorced when I was 2.

4. My first car was a 1979 Chevrolet Camaro that was handed down to me by my older brother. Its nickname was Brown Sugar.

5. My first job was at a hot dog place called The Dog House. I lied to them and told them I was 16 years old when I was really 15.

6. I can bend my thumb on my left hand all the way back and almost touch the back of my arm. (Now that's talent, huh?)

7. I miss my grandmother.

Now, seven people to tag. Hmmm, I really don't know seven people well enough to do this to them. Okay seven people, please don't hate me. I can't think of seven - so six people I don't know and have never talked to in my life, please don't hate me.

1. John @ Moving Forward, Faster All The Time
2. Michelle @ White Trash Mom
3. Cindy @ Yearning For A Child
4. A Great Mom @ Our Seven Qtpies
5. O. Dear @ To Whom It May Concern
6. Wendi Aarons @ Wendi Aarons

BitterSweets



BitterSweets

For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine's Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear's romantic indignities, today's loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.

When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we've combined BOTH into a radical new offering.

Introducing Bittersweets® - The Valentine's Candy for the Rest of Us.

Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.

Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was "so totally way hotter."

Now available in THREE unique collections- "Dejected", "Dysfunctional", and "Dumped"- with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!

$9.95

I Wish I Had Known About This About Six Months Ago

Even if I had known about it, undoubtedly I couldn't have afforded it.

Let me start off by saying Papa Rooster snores like nobody I have ever heard. It drives me insane. I sent an email to everyone I know a while back asking them if they knew of anything I could do to help Papa's snoring. The only solution I could come up with at the time was a shotgun, but I figured that was too messy.

Shorty does not care for his incessant snoring either. He put Shorty to bed the other night. And of course, he started snoring. I hear Shorty over the baby monitor saying, "Top it Dada, top it; top snoring." I go into the room and tell Papa Rooster to wake up. I lay down with Shorty. She says, "Dada snore like a bear." Here's my proof:

video

Via: The Presurfer: Starry Night Bed


"The Starry Night Sleep Technology Bed from Leggett & Platt is a pioneering combination of technology and bedding that uses diagnostic tools to moderate temperature, monitor body movements and alleviate snoring."

"Vibration sensor and load cell technology measure how much a sleeper tosses and turns, and how much they get out of bed during the night. It compares these movements to a 30-day baseline measure of the sleeper and then provides tips to improve sleep quality."

Little Miss Dolittle

Via The Presurfer: Little Miss Dolittle:


"At four years old, Rose Willcocks had never been able to say Mummy or Daddy. Nor could she tell her parents if she was hungry, tired or unwell after being left all but mute by an extremely unusual genetic condition."

"But to her parents' astonishment, Rose has suddenly revealed she has a great deal to say for herself - but only to animals. She began talking to cows during a stay at a farm which was part of her therapy. Her parents now say she turns into a chatterbox as soon as she is in the company of animals."

HairMixer

Upload your photo, pick a celebrity photo, then mix them together - your face with their fabulous hair. Mine turned out kind of scary.

Hair Mixer

Via: The Presurfer: HairMixer