Arkansas Or Bust

Shorty and I are off for a weekend trip to Arkansas to visit my dad and stepmom. So needless to say, I wont' be posting anything.

I'm leaving Papa Rooster with the task of demolishing and totally revamping our one and only bathroom - tearing out the tile, the sheetrock the floor, putting in new plumbing lines. I hope he doesn't get too overwhelmed.

Ostrich Mating Dance

Seeing the flamingo mating dance reminded me of a time when I was at my Uncle Ralph's place out in Azle, Texas. He used to have a bunch of ostriches (back when that was the thing to do). Anyway, this one ostrich walks up to the fence and starts flailing his wings back and forth, so I started flailing my arms back at him. I found out later on, that's what they do when they want to mate. Sorry I was a tease, Mr. Ostrich. (I'm such a dumbass sometimes.)

Here's what they do when they want to mate:

Flamingo Mating Dance

The Spoon

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tyi ng this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."

Thanks, Martha

Getting Older

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to
come and live with you and your wife...."

-

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Thanks, Martha

Beatboxin' Basset Hound

This is adorable - of course I am kind of partial to Bassets since I have four of them.

Via The Presurfer:

"Play your own Beatbox. The site is in Swedish but it's very easy to understand what to do. Press the spacebar to start recording and use to A - K keys to add your own sniffs."

The Bald Chimpanzee

Via: Blame It On The Voices

"Cinder is a hairless chimp that lives at the St. Louis Zoo. She wasn't always like this. She started losing hair when she was about 5 month old, being diagnosed with an autoimmune skin disease resulting in the loss of hair on the scalp and elsewhere on the body."

Cinder's Webpage

Barnett Shale, What The Hell?

This picture was taken with me standing on my front porch - yeah, I zoomed in, but the damn rig is still real close to our house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's probably over the "600" foot distance it's supposed to be, but the SOB is loud as hell.

This isn't the first rig that's been put up in this exact location. Back in 2005, when we signed an agreement with Dale Resources, the first rig was put up. Did I just say we signed an agreement with Dale Resources back in 2005? In fact, I think it was September of 2005. We have not received not one red cent from Dale Resources, Chesapeake, The Gas Man or anybody. I damn sure had to sign a deal for the IRS...why? I have no idea. We've called Dale Resources who, of course, pass the buck on to Dale Something-Or-Other, then to someone else, and eventually to Chesapeake.

I've already called the police once a few weeks ago when they were banging around at 7:00 in the morning. What really pisses me off is this...listen to the constant noise this thing puts off. I took this video tonight at 8:30.

Posters That Say What You're Really Thinking

Via

Tact

Via

Teamwork

Via

I Need More

This is funny.


Via

An Elder Cherokee...

An elder Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren.
He said to them:
"A fight is going on inside of me. A terrible fight.
It is between two wolves.
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humanity, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
The same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too."
They thought about it for a minute,
then one child asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied..."The one you feed."


Via Phil's Phun

Kitten & Crow Are Friends

Learn To Speak Dog

This is so cute. Go check it out.

Via The Presurfer:

What is your dog trying to say? Sometimes it's hard to tell. That's because dogs speak using body language.

Type a word into this handy canine translator to see what your pooch is trying to tell you.

Kyle Dunnigan

Paddle Faster

Via

The Positive Side Of Life

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

Useless Advice From Useless Men

Y'all have to go check out this blog. I tagged it as a favorite last year or so and almost forgot about it. These guys are hilarious. Here's a snippet of today's question. Head on over to Useless Men and read the rest of this and a ton more useless advice.


Dear Useless Men,

Why do people with average intelligence, large egos, and small self-confidence add extra syllables to words? Do they really think that using longer words makes them sound more technically knowledgeable? Or are they so shallow that they do this to make themselves sound more important in meetings?

One example is the word "orientate", which of course isn't a real word, It really is just the "ate" suffix added to the root word "orient". I have many other examples, but I don't want to take up your time with all of them. I think you already get the point of my question.

vacabulary constabulary

Dear Vacaulary Constabulary,

A long time ago, back when there was still magic in the world, and green winged faeries danced reels with red-capped gnomes in misty hills and verdant valleys, times were simpler. The world was inhabited by simple men who lead simple lives as bakers, woodsmen, and tailors, and used simple resources such as flour, wood, and cloth. As befitting their simple minds, these men used simple, archaic language without any adornments, and engaged in a primitive, pre-email form of communication called "talking to one another." They lived idyllic sorts of lives, talking as they pleased, wedding who they pleased, and working as they pleased.

If Men Wrote Advice Columns

These are hilarious - well, they are to me anyway. Here's a snippet from aboutyourbreakup.com

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Wild Mood Swings

Another gem I found in my Delicious tags. This is a search engine sort of. Pick what kind of mood your in, anything from poetic to gassy and a zillion other moods in between, and it will take you to an appropriate website. Give it a shot.

Wild Mood Swings

A Guy Witnesses An Accident

I've been going through all my old favorties on Delicious and I came across this gem. If you don't crack a smile on this, there's something wrong with you.

A guy witnesses an accident

Birth Of A Japanese Baby

This is not politically correct...of course I'm not either at times.