Saturday, February 2, 2008

So That's What Eight Inches Really Looks Like...

I think someone's been fibbing to me.

I went a little crazy today and had eight inches cut off the back of my hair. I love it!

Late Charges

Be sure and cancel your credit cards BEFORE you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Thanks, Mom

Thursday, January 31, 2008

AT&T Advertising

It really irritates me that I can't check my email without seeing a damn ad. I pay good money for this crap - they shouldn't try to sell me other crap. Especially this kind of crap:


I don't know what's worse, this "simulated imagery" (no shit) or the one where the lady's eyeballs follow your mouse around the screen.

Seven Spanish Angels

Two stories about this song and one of its artists - Willie Nelson.

One day, a long time ago, I was with an ex-boyfriend of mine and we were on our way to a deer lease or pig lease or some kind of lease and we stopped in Hamilton, Texas to eat lunch. We ate at an old place somewhere on the square there in Hamilton. While we were eating, an elderly woman slowly walked to the piano and sat down. She must have been in her 80s or older. She sat down and started playing this song on the piano. I love piano music. I will never forget that moment, seeing and hearing that lady playing that beautiful music on that piano.

My second story has to do with my grandma - Gram as she was affectionately known. I cannot think of my grandmother without tears coming to my eyes - and this really isn't a sad story. Anyway, my grandmother once ate beans and cornbread with Willie Nelson back before he hit the big time. He gave her an old 45 record that my mother still has. This was back when Willie Nelson was clean-cut - had no beard and had short hair and wore a suit and tie. Anyway, that's the end of the story.

Now, for the music...


The video is via Phil's Phun.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Job Description

PARENT POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

It Was Always Burning

Go check this out.

Whether you are a Billy Joel fan or not, you probably remember his great song "We Didn't Start the Fire." Here it is, set to pictures---very very cool!

Turn up volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50 years of history in less than 3 minutes! Thanks to Billy Joel and some guy from the University of Chicago with too much time to Google!

Thanks, Linda

The Verbal Cartoonist




Found this site over at Presurfer. I love it.


Language Arts Grade

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

Monday, January 28, 2008

For Dallas Cowboys Fans

First of all, I didn't think Hitler was still alive. Secondly, I had no idea he was a Cowboys fan. That kinda sucks.

Subtitles are NSFW.



Thanks, Beck

Brooke Shields, You Confuse Me


Has anyone else seen that very irritating Colgate commercial with Brooke Shields where she says, My day starts at the crack of dawn one day and my day ends at the crack of dawn the next day?

What the hell does that mean exactly? She has no nights? She's the opposite of a vampire? I hate commercials that make me have to think - especially ones that make me do math. Her day starts at the crack of dawn one day and ends at the crack of dawn the next day. That would be 24 hours, right? Get some sleep, Brooke, please. And Colgate, come out with another commercial that's actually relevant to toothpaste.

Rest In Peace, Mr. Gilfeather

I had to make a comment on this. You can read this nice man's obituary here. I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Gilfeather during a jury trial in Parker County. He represented a kid who was charged with DUI. Traffic stops by the Texas State Troopers are recorded on videotape. The only way I could tell that this kid, Mr. Gilfeather's client, failed any kind of tests they do during a traffic stop for DUI is the kid held one leg up longer than he was supposed to. He didn't sway. He didn't hop. He just held his leg up longer than 20 seconds or whatever it was - like 21 seconds or something. Anyway, Mr. Gilfeather won the jury trial - thank goodness.

But anyway, Mr. Gilfeather came up to me during the trial and introduced himself. We talked for a short while. I'm glad I got to meet him. He was a very nice man and seemed to be truly genuine. You don't often meet people like him. My sincere condolensces to his entire family.

Parent Hacks, Why Must You Make Me Feel Like A Piece?

Does anybody else read Parent Hacks? If you do, does it make you feel like a piece of shit like it does me?

Take for instance this article: Organize kids' clothes into color-coordinated "capsules" so they can pick their own outfits from Parent Hacks by Asha Dornfest

What in the hell are they talking about? Isn't it good enough that my kid has clean clothes?

I'm a shitty, shitty SAHM. Thanks, Parent Hacks, for making me feel like a loser.

Why I Don't Work Out

video

I wonder if she knew she could put her legs behind her head. She probably did.

See-Through Tires?

Radical new tire design by Michelin. The next generation of tires.
They had a pair at the Philadelphia car show.





These tires are airless and are scheduled to be out on the market very soon.

The bad news for law enforcement is that spike strips will not work on these tires.

This is what great R&D will do, and just think of the impact on existing technology:

A. no more air valves...
B. no more air compressors at gas stations...
C. no more repair kits...
D. no more flats...


Thanks, Gretch

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Ink Blot Personality Test


According to experts, my personality type is :
Buddhist Monk
Ink Blot Personality TestOther people like me display these traits.
  • They like boiled cabbage
  • They are great kissers
  • They have 6 fingers on each hand
  • They suffer from bowel problems
  • Take the Ink Blot Personality Quiz at JokesUnlimited.com