Saturday, December 8, 2007

And you thought you'd seen it all.....

The ultimate funeral…

DEAD in his favorite chair (reclined), remote (in hand)

AND the football game is ON!

Oh yeah, don't miss the new silky pjs, slippers and beer!

And are those a pack of Newports in his ashtray???

Just when you thought you've seen everything .... and yes,

this is a regular commercial funeral home.

Go Here To See A Close-Up (if you're kind of morbid like that): Bits & Pieces: And you thought you'd seen it all.....

Punctuation is very important

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria

Yet, the only difference is the punctuation.

Via: Bits & Pieces: Punctuation is very important

Is This Legal?

Friday, December 7, 2007

Motivational Posters

I love these damn things.

Thanks, Mona

Bombay Stores Closing - What A Joke

Yesterday I went to the Bombay Outlet Store over off of Precinct Line here in Fort Worth thinking I was going to get me some serious deals. I don't know where the deals were, but they damn sure weren't here.

Three years ago, I bought two teddy bears at this Bombay Outlet. They were two for $20 and the proceeds went to St. Judes.

I was excited to see all the teddy bears hanging from a rack in the store yesterday. I jog over to them and there's a sign hanging on the rack that says - Exceptional Deal - $25 each. I was not impressed. There was not even a sign that said the proceeds would benefit St. Judes.


The Homeless Christmas Tree

Where to begin on this story...I guess I'll start with me driving down I-30 here in Fort Worth about four years ago. I think I was on my way to Weatherford where I used to work as the court reporter for the Parker County Court at Law. I was driving along, probably cussing at people who wouldn't get out of my way, and I glance to my right to look at "the tree."

Let me try to explain this sad-looking little tree. I have no idea how tall it is, but from the freeway, it looks to be about seven or eight feet tall. The trunk of the tree kind of curves off towards the west. I have never seen leaves on this tree. The tree sits atop a small hill beside this busy, busy freeway. It is the only tree that can be seen for miles around.

I always glance over at this tree because most of the time it is decorated. At Christmas time, garland and tinsel usually adorn this tree. There is usually a sign that says "Happy Holidays" or something to that effect hung on the tree. This year at Thanksgiving, there was a sign hung on this tree that said "Give Thanks".

But on this particular day, over four years ago, it was not Christmas time or Thanksgiving. In fact, there was no holiday coming up in the near future, and we hadn't just celebrated one. But for some odd reason, I glance at the tree.

There have been times in my life where I wished I had my camera with me in my car, but this day sticks out in my mind as the day I would have given anything to have my camera. What's weird about me is, even if I had my camera with me in my car, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to pull over on this busy freeway, step out and take a picture of this scene that has left such an impression on my mind's eye.

I glance over at "the tree" and I see a black man who appeared to be homeless or at least down on his luck and also a white man. For some reason or another, the appearance of the white man is not burned in my memory. I cannot remember if the white man looked homeless or not. If memory serves me right, this man did not appear homeless at all. I think he had on a pair of slacks and a polo-type shirt and it looked to me like this white man was on his lunch break. Both of these men are standing by this little tree and they're holding a sign and hanging it from a branch of this crooked old tree. The sign said "Peace."

I'll be the first to admit that I am a bawl bag. I tear up over TV commercials. I practically bawl when I watch TV shows such as Extreme Makeover Home Edition. But seeing these two men hanging this particular sign on this particular tree on this particular day made me cry in a particularly uncontrollable way.

Fast forward to today. It's been at least three or four years since I saw these men hanging that sign on that tree. My mother, who has a booth (Booth 37 by the cafe) at the Historic Camp Bowie Mercantile Antique Store, sends me an email. The subject line is this: book about tree on I30 between oakland and beach st.

I open the email and it reads:
there will be a book signing at the Mercantile on Dec 13. Also a mall wide sale from 6:30 - 8.

First of all, I am so excited that someone actually wrote a book about this tree and I am absolutely chomping at the bit to read it. I definitely will be at the book signing. If you get a chance, go to the website and check out this book.

The Homeless Christmas Tree

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Tiglets or Pigers?

Guess this story is kind of old since the pictures are dated 2004. I still think it's neat.

In a zoo in California , a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth.

The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans' that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger.

Redneck Overalls

Letters To Santa, And His Not-So-Nice Responses

Is it bad that I think some of these are hilarious?

Dear Zanta,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum set, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay; I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

That whiney begging shit may work with your over-indulgent folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

Thanks, Sheri

Weird personal ad

The first personal ad seems a little strange too.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Nature Kaleidoscope Kit

This unique kit contains everything you need to create your own kaleidoscope! Just add the included nature objects or experiment with different items. It can be created again and again using different items. Kit includes kaleidoscope parts and directions, 2 nature drawings, colored pencils, dried flowers, polished gemstones, minerals, and glass marbles. Endless possibilities!


One Good Bumblebee * Nature Kaleidoscope Kit

Via: Rare Bird Finds

The Old Phone

I don't know if this is true or not, and frankly, I really don't care. It's a great story, true or not.

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was 'Information Please' and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.

'Information, please' I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.


'I hurt my finger...' I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

'Isn't your mother home?' came the question.

'Nobody's home but me,' I blubbered.

'Are you bleeding?' the voice asked.

'No,' I replied. 'I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.'

'Can you open the icebox?' she asked.

I said I could.

'Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,' said the voice.

After that, I called 'Information Please' for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, Information Please,' and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, 'Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a
heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?'

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, 'Wayne always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.'

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, 'Information Please.'

'Information,' said in the now familiar voice.

'How do I spell fix?' I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. 'Information Please' belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind
she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, 'Information Please.'

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. 'Information.'

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, 'Could you please tell me how to spell fix?'

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, 'I guess your finger must have healed by now.'

I laughed, 'So it's really you,' I said. 'I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?'

I wonder,' she said, 'if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.'

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

'Please do', she said. 'Just ask for Sally.'

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered 'Information.' I asked for Sally.

'Are you a friend?' she said.

'Yes, a very old friend,' I answered.

'I'm sorry to have to tell you this,' she said. 'Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.'

Before I could hang up she said, 'Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?'

'Yes.' I answered.

'Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you.'

The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Thanks, Sheri

Foreign military pilots could train at Alliance

When they say foreign, they mean United Arab Emirates Air Force. Why does that scare the bejeezus out of me? 12/05/2007 Foreign military pilots could train at Alliance

How Ironic Is That?

I just published the post about the Kitty Wigs - I can't believe I have to actually capitalize those words. Anyway, I hit "publish post" and then "view blog" and what the hell is the lightning deal at Amazon but the self-flushing litter box. For a mere $200, your lazy butt will never have to scoop litter again. And you save $200 - don't think so.

Kitty Wigs - Why?

Via The Presurfer:

"Each Kitty Wig comes in an attractive round metal wig case. Your wig will arrive on a wig form and covered in a hair net to help keep its shape and luster."

"The Kitty Wig package also includes complete instructions for care, suggestions from professional photographers, and a mouse with rattle to help you direct Kitty's stunned gaze. Every kitty loves the promise of a new toy for model behavior."

Kitty Wigs! The Wigs

Each of these little gems are $50 a piece. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Do people actually by stuff like this? Please, please for the love of God, don't tell me they do. I would be a trillionaire if I actually took all my crazy thoughts or ideas and actually manifested them into some type of product that people could actually purchase. Why, oh why?

I can't imagine someone wanting their cat to feel "sexy and smart, like a cougar on the prowl." My cat is lucky if I remember to scoop his litter box once a week.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Here's To The Crazy Ones

I had never seen this before. Why? Probably because I live under a rock and I very rarely rear my ugly head - nah, but that sounded good, didn't it?

I found this on, of all places, the crackheadcam website. I don't know why, but I love the guy who had juevos enough to protect his property and didn't care what all the lowlifes thought about it.

After you watch the video, I'm sure you'll agree he is one of the crazy ones.

Elf Your Pet

I have to say I got this idea from Becky. She elfed herself and her husband and her dog and it cracked me the hell up. I elfed myself, Papa Rooster, Shorty, and our cat Loco. Check him out:

Go ahead on and elf your elfin pet: Elf Your Pet


I don't even know how to explain this one. I like to read Outhouse Rag. The guy who writes the blog asked his readers to send him Christmas cards. One of his readers sent him one and to return the favor, the author of the Outhouse Rag put up a link to his website and this is the website.

Apparently this guy lives in a not-so-nice neighborhood. This is what he says on his homepage:

"The cameras are the result of perverts, crackheads, hookers, wife beaters, child abusers, "the homeless" and thieves being my neighbors. I got sick and tired of that activity around me so the cameras 'discourage' the bad people and encourage the good people to do good."

More power to you, brother...more power to you.


Sea Organ

Via Presurfer: In 2005, architect Nikola Basic created the musical Sea Organ on the shores of Zadar, Croatia. It is the world's first musical pipe organ that is played by the sea. Simple and elegant steps, carved in white stone, were built on the quayside.

Underneath, there are 35 musically tuned tubes with whistle openings on the sidewalk. The movement of the sea pushes air through, and – depending on the size and velocity of the wave – musical chords are played. The waves create random harmonic sounds.

Listen to the sea organ:

Box containing depleted uranium missing

FORT WORTH -- Police and emergency hazardous material workers were searching in northwest Fort Worth late Monday for a box containing depleted uranium.

A driver with a company identified as Desert Industrial X-Ray was transporting the device through the area of Blue Mound Road and U.S. 287 just before 11 p.m. when the box apparently bounced out of the back of his pickup, police said.

No additional details were available late Monday evening. 12/04/2007 Box containing depleted uranium missing

Dah, dah, dah, dah, I'm Superman! (This makes sense only in my own head.)

How in the hell does somone haul around a box of uranium bouncing around in the back of a pickup truck? Some got some and some got none - uranium or common sense - you fill in the blank.

Lost Maples State Natural Area

37221 FM 187
Vanderpool TX 78885

History: Lost Maples State Natural Area covers 2174.2 scenic acres in Bandera and Real Counties, north of Vanderpool on the Sabinal River. Acquired by purchase from private owners in 1973 -1974, the site was opened to the public on September 1, 1979. The annual visitation is approximately 200,000 visitors.

1994 Archaeological evidence shows that this area was used by prehistoric peoples at various times. In historic times, which began with Spanish exploration and colonization efforts in the late 17th century, the Apache, Lipan Apache, and Comanche Indians ranged over the land and posed a threat to settlement well into the 19th century.

TPWD: Lost Maples State Natural Area

Metro Maples

From their website:
What we do - We grow and sell Japanese Maples and Shantung maples from 1 gallon to 25 gallon. We are no longer growing for the wholesale market. We offer over 60 varieties of Japanese maples and Shade tree maples like the Shantung Maples (The Tree of the Millenium) and Paperbark maples. Most plants are container grown. We are open only on Saturdays 8:00 am to 2:00 pm. Open M-F by Appointment. CASH OR CHECK ONLY.

Our business history - Family owned and operated since 1994, Metro Maples has a reputation for growing plants that will thrive and be beautiful in your yard, because they are evaluated and grown right in the DFW Metroplex. All the information in this website is from personal experience growing maples. We are an arboretum too with 100+ different trees and do research and support conservation.

Metro Maples - Home - Japanese maples and Shantung maples

Tank Chair

If this doesn't say Kenny, I don't know what does.

Via Deputy Dog:

"the tankchair is a custom made off-road wheelchair designed by a guy whose wife was growing increasingly frustrated by the limits of her normal electric wheelchair. this treaded beast can wade through mud, streams, sand, snow and gravel. on his website the creator says, “turns out that other people want a tankchair so i’m going in debt and am going to build them”. order yours here."

Monday, December 3, 2007

From old clothes to artwork

Tips On Pumping Gas

I have no idea if these tips work or not, but worth a shot.

1 - Only fill up or buy gas in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground, the more dense the gasoline. When it gets warmer, gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon.

2 - When you're filling up, do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look, you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

3 - One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.

4 - Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Paper Shredder Scissors

It works like an ordinary pair of scissors, except it makes five parallel cuts at a time. Just snip away at the bank statement or credit card receipt, and reduce to document to shreds in seconds. (It's also fun and strangely satisfying.)
Via: Bits & Pieces

Animated Hitch Critters

NEW! Give your trailer hitch a sense of humor!
Take one of these critters for a ride on your trailer hitch.
Besides giving yourself a chuckle, these moving Hitch Critters plug in to oprovide a third brake light for added traffic safety. Moreover, they protect ball hitches from corrosion.
Choose Waving Deer, Tail-Flopping Bass, Chomping Dog, Motorcycle-Riding Hog or Flapping Duck. Approx. 12-1/4" H x 3-1/4" W x 5" D. Not compatible with 2-5/16" tow balls.
Via: Bits & Pieces

Garage Sale

Two Coco's

Our cat's name is Loco. Shorty calls him Coco. She ran and got her Fur Real cat and sat it by him and said, "Two Coco's."

Fort Worth Star Telegram | Your Shot

In case the two or three people who read my blog (sigh) live in the DFW area - or more specifically the Fort Worth area, the Star Telegram has a neat site that you can go to and see pics taken by common folk, like myself. They also have videos I think. Take a look at it whether you live in DFW or not.

Fort Worth Star Telegram Your Shot

Texas Weather

I cannot believe it was snowing here on Thanksgiving, which was 10 days ago and right now it's 77 degrees outside. Gotta love this crazy Texas weather.

Rainbow Maker

Now you can have rainbows in your home and you don’t need rain…just sunlight! Simply stick the RainbowMaker to a window that receives direct sun and point the solar panel in the direction of the sun. The genuine Swarovski crystal will rotate and refract sunlight to create dazzling rainbows that move around the room. Perfect Feng Shui tool to bring good Chi into your home and enliven a room’s energy. Attaches to window with a suction cup. Measures 5 ¾”H x 2”W x 1 1/3”D. This is a delicate instrument so please treat the solar panel with care.
Price: $24.00
Rainbow Maker: The Spoon Sisters - Great Gifts Opening Everywhere

Washy Squashy Modeling Soap

Like modeling clay for the bath, "Washy Squashy" makes taking a bath fun and creative at the same time. Kids of all ages will get a kick out fashioning figurines, molding monsters or constructing soap sculptures; air dry the creations and then use them to wash with! The soap is pliable so even tiny hands can squish, squash and mold it easily. Totally natural, this gentle olive oil soap is scented with essential oils and colored with Earth Natural Pigments. 9 ounces; six 1 ½” bars, one each of six colors. Ages 4 to 104.
Price: $15.00

Washy Squashy Modeling Soap: The Spoon Sisters - Great Gifts Opening Everywhere

Crime Scene Bandages

I know I posted a link a while back about the tattoo bandages, but I think I like these crime scene ones best.

Whether you cover your boo-boo with one of these Tattoo Bandages to trick people into thinking you're really tough, or you use a Crime Scene Bandage to scare off the germs...either will add a touch of fun to getting wounded. All bandages are latex-free, vinyl, adhesive with sterile gauze. Tattoos are 12 to a box of three different shapes (4 of each style): Mom 3", Long Flame Dice Tattoos 2 1/4", Tall Anchor 1 3/4" and Crime Scene have twenty-five bandages that measure 3" x 3/4". There’s a FREE TOY in each tin to take your mind off the pain. Tins measures 3 ¾”H. Click Select One below to choose style.

Price: $6.00
Bandages - Crime Scene and Tattoo: The Spoon Sisters - Great Gifts Opening Everywhere

Control A Kid - Remote Control

Wish this thing really worked.

When all other parenting techniques have been exhausted, give it one last valiant effort with Control A Kid, virtual parenting at the touch of a button. Choose the button to correspond with the need of the moment: Be Quiet, Attitude (of course it’s only an Off button), Stop - sulking, screaming, tantrums, No - Smoking, Tattoos, Piercings. Plus dedicated buttons for: Tidy Room, Do Homework, Eat Greens, Say Please, Grow Up, Say Thank You, Do Dishes, Don’t Answer Back, Kiss Granny, Play, an Energy button that allows you to increase or decrease the energy output, and our personal favorite...Stop That. Three simple steps to operate: 1) Point remote at subject. 2) Push appropriate button on remote 3) Hope for the best. Also good for Grandparents, teachers, baby sitters. So compact you’ll want one for home and one to carry with you on-the-go.The manufacturer makes no claims as to the performance of this item except that it WILL generate laughter. No batteries required; powered by positive thinking. Remote measures 5 3/8”H x 2 1/8” at widest; cardboard packaging is 7 ½”H x 4 ¾”W.
Price: $8.75

Control A Kid - Remote Control: The Spoon Sisters - Great Gifts Opening Everywhere

Fortune Cookie Journal

This is a neat idea, especially if you're a weirdo like me and keep most, if not all, of your fortunes from fortune cookies. They usually wind up in old purses and I find them after about five years when I decide to sell the purse at a garage sale.

"Have a friend who is always sneaking their fortune cookie fortunes in their pocket to save? Get them this fortune cookie journal. They can keep all their fortunes in one place as well as jot down why they think the fortune has significance. $8 at Spoon Sisters"

Rare Bird Finds: Fortune Cookie Journal