Saturday, October 13, 2007



1 (46-ounce) jar whole dill pickles
1 cup sugar
2 cups water
2 packets red Kool-Aid (such as cherry flavored)

Drain and discard the juice from the pickle jar. Remove the pickles from the jar and cut each one in half lengthwise. Return the pickles to the jar and set aside.

In a large measuring cup, combine the sugar, water and Kool-Aid. Mix until the sugar has completely dissolved. Pour enough of the liquid into the pickle jar to cover the pickles. Discard any excess.

Cover the jar and refrigerate at least 24 hours.

Makes one 46-ounce jar of pickles.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

To die in the rain. Alone.

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ .....reboot.

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

I invented the chicken!

Did I miss one?

Where's my gun?

No Parking Aloud

No Parking Aloud - Pictures - Funny Hub

The Road to Success...

The Seven Deadly Sinners: Tacky Plax: The Road to Success...

I Thought It Locked Once You Let Go Of The Button

Outlet mall is planned for Grand Prairie

Plans are under way to bring a high-end outlet mall with tenants such as Kate Spade, Restoration Hardware and Coach to the northeast corner of Interstate 20 and Texas 360 in eastern Tarrant County.

Prime Retail, which has its flagship outlet mall south of Austin in San Marcos, wants to build a 450,000-square-foot shopping center at the site, if the city of Grand Prairie provides some help. Construction is anticipated to begin in the fall of 2008, with the mall open for business in the winter of 2009. | 10/13/2007 | Outlet mall is planned for Grand Prairie

Pier 1 Kids®

I noticed the other day when I went shopping for a headpiece for Shorty to wear at my niece's wedding that the Pier 1 Kids store was packed out crowded. There was a sign that said "Everything 90% Off." That should have been a clue for me to go into the store and see what good bargains I could find, but I'm the type of person that gets really pissed off at rude people pushing and shoving, so I didn't go in. Maybe you are braver than me. If so, find your nearest store, if it isn't already closed and go find yourself some bargains.

Pier 1 Kids®

Bombay to shut down all of its U.S. operations

All of Bombay Co.'s home-furnishings stores across the country will be closed and the merchandise sold as a result of a bankruptcy auction, the Fort Worth-based company said Friday night.

A joint venture of Gordon Bros. Retail Partners and Hilco Merchant Resources submitted the winning bid for Bombay's U.S. inventory, which "contemplates a liquidation of Bombay's U.S. stores," the company said in a statement.

Bombay said the bidders plan to start going-out-of-business sales at its U.S. stores as early as next week, if the plan wins court approval. The stores will remain open through the holiday season, Bombay CEO David Stewart said.

The two companies, in conjunction with Hilco Consumer Capital and two Canadian retailers -- Bowring and Benix & Co. -- plan to continue to operate Bombay's Canadian stores.

The amount of the bid was not disclosed.

"This is a difficult day for Bombay in the United States, but we are glad that we have found a solution that will help provide most of our U.S. employees with continued work through the all-important holiday season, while also preserving the Bombay name and continuing the company's successful Canadian operations," Stewart said in a statement.

Company officials were not available Friday night to answer questions or provide further details.

Bombay operates about 390 stores in the U.S. and about 50 in Canada. It employs about 3,600 people, including more than 200 at its Fort Worth headquarters. The fate of the headquarters building was not disclosed.

The U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Northern District of Texas and the Ontario Superior Court of Justice must approve Bombay's plan. A court hearing is scheduled for 11 a.m. Monday in Fort Worth.

Bombay filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Sept. 20 after failing to find a buyer and failing to reverse three years of losses. | 10/13/2007 | Bombay to shut down all of its U.S. operations

On The Depo Trail

Court Reporter Sample Cover Letter

Court Reporter Sample Cover Letter : Insights by Resume Writers Blog

Court Reporter Makes Getting a Date Easier for Legal Secretaries

"We wanted to provide a tool that would aid law firms in calculating date distances," says CEO Todd Olivas. "The software was written to ease the burden on already-over worked paralegals and legal secretaries. In litigation, timelines are extremely important. For example, when a lawyer or legal secretary needs to schedule litigation events 45 days from a given start date, they have to make sure that the calculation is correct and accurate. That's where my court reporting firm's new software comes in to help."

With merely a couple fields of data entry, future or past date distances are calculated instantaneously. There's no software to install and the calculator is usable by logging in to the company's court reporting services website.

In addition to doing the date calculation, the software takes into consideration holidays and weekends and gives the user an appropriate message. "And best of all, it's free," says Olivas.

Court Reporter Makes Getting a Date Easier for Legal Secretaries

To all the freelance reporters out there, you could offer the same service. Who is this guy anyway? Is it another Esquire-type company? Let me know.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Suck It In

I've seen this before, but it's still funny.

Quick and easy resurface for folding tables (and other tables too!)

Quick and easy resurface for folding tables (and other tables too!) - Instructables - The World's Biggest Show & Tell - art, craft, diy, food, games, home, life, offbeat, ride,

Top 10 free e-card sites

simplehuman | blog: top 10 free e-card sites

Megan Mooney - Friends with babies, Nieces & Nephews


Make Crystal Clear Ice

Make Crystal Clear Ice ! - Click here for this week’s top video clips

Crazy Cats

Crazy Cats - The funniest movie is here. Find it

Valium & Laughing Gas

I have to gripe just for a second and then I'm going to go back into my hydrocodone stupor for the rest of the night.

I had some more dental work done today. Last time I was at the dentist, he tried to pull a tooth, but the tooth broke off and he left the roots in there. So I went back today for another go round of valium and gas. The valium, I have to admit, did relax me somewhat this time. The laughing gas just freaks me the hell out.

After all was said and done (finally), I go up to the counter to make an appointment to come back in and have my stitches removed and the girl behind the counter says my total due for the day was $150-something. I looked at her like she was insane. She informs me that my freakin dental insurance does not cover sedation. Why didn't she tell me that beforehand? I had sedation the last time I was there, and I really didn't particularly care for it because I was awake the majority of the time and pretty much laughing at everything - I'm such a jackass sometimes.

Anyway, I can't believe they didn't tell me this before he started cutting on my gums. I'm really pissed but I'm not sure at this point who I'm more pissed at, the dentist or the insurance company.

To top this all off, I ask the dentist what will happen from here on out now that he's finally done slashing my gums and pulling teeth. I said, "Will you be doing the implants next time I come in after my stitches are out?" His response, "No, I haven't taken a class on that yet."

'Scuse me? Could you run that by me again? You haven't taken a class on that? Wow! I'm glad I let you rip my gums open. I hope you took a freakin' class on that, Jackass.

(I guess I should have mentioned my regular dentist, who has been my dentist for the last 20 years or so, recently retired. He turned over all his business to this new, young dentist.)

Okay...I'm done griping.

Rare butterfly spotted in Starr County

October 11, 2007 - 7:08PM
FALCON HEIGHTS — Berry Nall knew he saw something special while butterfly watching recently at Falcon State Park.

Taking pictures of the colorful winged insects at the park’s new butterfly garden, he noticed a tiny green one on a flower — a type he had never seen before.

“When I found it I had no idea what it was, so I took a picture of it,” the Falcon Heights resident said. “I tried to get as many pictures as I could, but it took off.”

He posted the picture of the fingernail-sized green butterfly on his Web site after his outing Monday and asked members of an online mailing list to help him identify it. He also searched for it in books cataloging butterfly species.

Nall received word back from the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department that what he caught on camera was a telea hairstreak butterfly, which hasn’t been spotted in the United States in more than 70 years.

News: Rare butterfly spotted in Starr County | butterfly, park, butterflies - The Monitor

(Falcon State Park is 572.6 (144 developed) acres located north of Roma at the southern end of the 98,960-surface-acre International Falcon Reservoir in Starr and Zapata Counties. The park was leased from the International Boundary and Water Commission in 1949 and was opened to the public in 1965.)

Where To Get Free And Legal Music Online -

Where To Get Free And Legal Music Online -

I just tried, and I love it. You could really discover a lot of music that you've never heard before. You put in the name of an artist or song you like, and it will create a radio station based on that type of song or artist. Really crazy, but it works. Try it out.
Pandora Radio - Listen to Free Internet Radio, Find New Music

bubble scrubbers

Why shouldn’t washing the dishes be fun? If you work all day and spend time making dinner, why not let the kid in you come out to do the dishes?

The bubble scrubber works just like any old kitchen brush but it has a secret. There is a bubble want hidden right inside the bristles. And, as everybody knows: bubble wand + dish soap + water = FUN!

Hey, maybe you can even get the kids to do the dishes! Price: $6.50

catching fireflies

FUNctional : "constructive" kids utensil set

This "constructive" kids utensil set is comprised of a bulldozer pusher (commanding the mac & cheese), fork lift fork (under the green beans), and front loader spoon (picking up a load of mashed potatoes).

catching fireflies

(Wow! This store is AWESOME, as Shorty would say. You have to go check it out.)

Via: Rare Bird Finds

My Best Parenting Advice

I just wanted to say that the post below this one will be my last post that has anything to do with lead.

Here is my advice to parents: Go out in your yard and find a good-sized rock, one that's too big to fit in your kid's mouth, but not so big that they can't pick it up.

Take it in the house and scrub it with some lard or vegetable oil or some kind of all-natural crap you've got laying around the house. Better yet, put the damn rock in your oven. Set the oven on the highest setting. Let rock cook for about an hour. Turn off oven. Remove rock and let cool. Call the new toy "Rocko" like Zoey on Sesame Street. This toy is guaranteed to entertain your child a total of about .00000003 milliseconds. Will you have peace of mind knowing Rocko contains no lead? I have no idea because I have no idea where lead comes from other than it's what makes a pencil write.

JCPenney Winnie-The-Pooh Toys Recalled

I'm really getting irritated at posting all this lead recall crap on here, but I feel like I need to for some odd reason. I wish I was like Martha Stewart or June Cleaver or had an ounce of creativity in me and I could make all of Shorty's toys. But I'm not like Martha or June and I would wager a bet that the two people (okay, okay, the two people includes myself) who actually read my gibberish are not like Martha or June either. - Winnie-The-Pooh Toys Recalled

Make your own Tucks pads

I've been doing this for years to save myself the embarrassment of purchasing the humongous tub of Tucks at Walmart.

Get a jar or any kind of container with a lid - try not to get one that's made in China (or else you might poison your bo-bo with lead). Get some of those round, flat cotton ball looking things and put them in your jar. Pour in enough witch hazel to saturate the cotton and you got yourself some instant fire relief. Your bo-bo will thank you for it.

Like Merchant Ships: Make your own Tucks pads

Surprising Household Cleaners

1. Shine Leather Shoes with Vegetable Oil - Use a damp cloth to wipe away dirt, then apply a small drop of oil to a soft cloth and rub the surface to remove scuff marks. (Scuff marks give shoes character.)

2. Clean Your Dishwasher with Lemonade Kool-Aid - Pour a packet of lemonade Kool-Aid (the only flavor that works) into the detergent cup and run the dishwasher while empty. The citric acid in the mix wipes out stains, so you don't have to. (Someone actually scrubs the inside of their dishwasher?)

3. Mesh Veggie Bag as Pot Scrubber - Cut ends open, scrunch, add soap and water — and hand to husband. After a gooey mac-and-cheese cleanup, you can throw this freebie sponge away guilt-free. (What is a pot scrubber? Is that sort of like a pot licker?)

4. Dust Lamp with Lint Roller - Run the roller up and down the outside to get rid of what shouldn’t be there. (Like I would ever do this - Not! Just blow real hard and then run like hell.)

5. Remove Food Stains with Lemon - Slice a lemon in half, squeeze onto the soiled surface, rub, and let sit for 20 minutes before rinsing. (Easier solution - throw it away and buy another one.)

6. Baking Soda as Silver Polisher - Wash tarnished items, then place on aluminum foil in the bottom of a pot. Add the baking-soda solution (1/4 cup soda, a few teaspoons salt, 1 quart boiling water) to cover for a few seconds. Reward: A chemical reaction that gets the black off the gravy boat so you don’t have to. (I thought the black gunk on silver made stuff taste better...what's a gravy boat anyway?)

7. Sop Up Spilled Egg with Salt - Heap a handful of salt on the mess, leave for two minutes or so, then wipe up. (Won't be trying this one either. Easiest method - use a roll of paper towels if necessary. Better yet, send in the hounds!)

8. Use Coasters to Catch Drips in Pantry - Catch escaping drips of sticky stuff from bottles and jars in cupboards. (Yeah, right! You think I'm going to use coasters inside my three cabinets I have in the kitchen? No way, Jose.)

9. Deodorize Shoes with Dryer Sheets - I'm not even going to take the time to copy and paste directions for this one. Who the hell does stuff like this?

10. Remove Adhesive with Oil - Apply cooking oil to the sticker using a paper towel or a soft cloth, rub firmly, then rinse with warm, soapy water. If the adhesive is stubborn, use a dab of toothpaste along with the oil. (If it's really stubborn, drag the sticky part over the couch to pick up cat hairs - wow, I'm a regular freakin' Heloise!

11. Car Wax as Fixture Polish - Turtle Wax leaves behind a protective barrier against water and soap buildup, so your hard-earned sparkle will last past the next tooth-brushing. (Crusty mold around your fixtures means you have a life.)

The Grand Finale...
12. Deodorize Food Containers with Newspaper - Stuff a balled-up piece of newspaper into a plastic container, seal it, and let sit overnight. By morning the paper will have absorbed lingering food smells. ( See number 5)

Surprising Household Cleaners | Cleaning :

The Best Dish Towels

The Best Dish Towels | Cleaning :


Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' People to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants Fer makin' them fat, an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"


"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."

"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin'.... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Via: Miss Cellania


Normally I'll pick a link or two that I really like from the Look At This Blog, but I like all of these links, so you pick and choose.

Look At This...: Redneckapedia

time displacement experimental video

This is trippy.


Via: Neatorama

More Coyotes Last Night

Thursday, October 11, 2007

It Sucks Getting Old

Funny song about what happens to you as you get older.

Funny Videos

Robber Beaten By Angry Women

Bad guy with a gun tries to rob a group of ladies, but THESE ladies ain't giving up their stuff! Watch the bloody fool get hauled away on a gurney!

Funny Videos

Picky Eaters? They Get It From You

The New York Times says: A WEEK’S worth of dinners for young Fiona Jacobson looks like this: Noodles. Noodles. Noodles. Noodles. French fries. Noodles. On the seventh day, the 5-year-old from Forest Hills, Queens, might indulge in a piece of pizza crust, with no sauce or cheese.

Over in New Jersey, the Bakers changed their November family vacation to accommodate Sasha, an 11-year-old so averse to fruits and vegetables that the smell of orange juice once made him faint. Instead of flying to Prague, Sasha’s parents decided to go to Barcelona, where they hope the food will be more to his liking.

And at the Useloff household, young Ethan’s tastes are so narrow that their home in Westfield, N.J., works something like a diner.

“I do the terrible mommy thing and make everyone separate dinners,” Jennifer Useloff said.

All three families share a common problem. Their children are not only picky eaters, prone to reject foods they once seemed to love, but they are also neophobic, which means they fear new food.

But for parents who worry that their children will never eat anything but chocolate milk, Gummi vitamins and the occasional grape, a new study offers some relief. Researchers examined the eating habits of 5,390 pairs of twins between 8 and 11 years old and found children’s aversions to trying new foods are mostly inherited.

The message to parents: It’s not your cooking, it’s your genes.

More Here: Picky Eaters? They Get It From You - New York Times

Wear your awareness

"In 2004, following her second breast cancer diagnosis since the age of thirty-six, the then uninsured Skaggs hit upon the idea of making necklaces to help pay her medical bills. Using smashed Rebel Beer caps for pendants, she strung together eight beads—seven in one color and one of another—to visually represent a woman’s one-in-eight chance of developing breast cancer during her lifetime.

So if buying pink dish soap, deodorant, or yogurt isn’t sparking any meaningful dialogue, check out Skaggs’ Rebel1in8 Etsy shop (or try your hand at making your own “awareness” goods). Her recycled materials may be simple, but her statement is strong."

ReadyMade Blog » Blog Archive » Wear your awareness

How it feels to die - Boing Boing

What does it feel like to drown? If you're decapitated, how long do you remain conscious? New Scientist has a fascinating feature on how it feels to die from a variety of causes. Electrocution, fire, heart attack... what goes on in your body as you shuffle off this mortal coil?

How it feels to die - Boing Boing


I'm sorry, but I laughed out loud on this one, and I don't ever do that.

Via: Bits & Pieces: Mooseknuckle

Am I Going To Hell For This?

Sometimes I think I'm being such a wonderful mother. Shorty said last night that she wanted to paint today, so I said okay - we would paint after breakfast. I made breakfast and I got all her painting supplies ready. I'm so wonderful. A regular June Freakin' Cleaver, right? Wrong.

After painting my claim to fame monkey (the only thing I can halfway draw besides an elephant and a bee), I leave Maddie to painting, and I go into the other room to check my email. No emails. So I walk back into the room and this is what I find:

I have cropped this picture to protect the innocent. She reminds me of the blue Black Bart character mask you used to get from Dairy Queen years and years ago.

SABMiller and Molson Coors to combine U.S. operations in joint venture

SABMiller Plc and Molson Coors Brewing Company announced on 9 October 2007 their intention to combine the U.S. and Puerto Rico operations of their respective subsidiaries, Miller and Coors, in a joint venture to create a stronger, brand-led U.S. brewer.

The new company, to be called MillerCoors, will have annual pro forma combined beer sales of 81 million hectoliters and net revenues of approximately $6.6 billion.


Is this a good thing? I don't know. But don't mess with the Miller Chill recipe or I might have to whoop 'em.

If Fire Was Water

Fun Tuna: If Fire Was Water

Confusing Words

Confusing Words is a collection of 3210 words that are troublesome to readers and writers. Words are grouped according to the way they are most often confused or misused.

Some of these words are homonyms (words that sound alike but are spelled differently) and some are just commonly confused.

What are Confusing Words? Confusing Words

$285,000 A Vial

Don't know if this is real or not...

The deer in the attached two pictures is from the Porterfield ranch in Zapata county.
He is nick-named "El Chingon".
His semen is going for about $285,000.00 a vial.

  • Chingón, a Mexican slang word for "badass"
Thanks, Martha

Haunted Memories

This is freaky. So freaky, it's me anyway. Antique photos changes into spooky portraits when you walk by them.

Haunted Memories Changing Portraits

Lead found in toys, backpacks in U.S. stores: group | Health |

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A Curious George doll bought at Toys "R" Us was found to be tainted with 10 times the legally-allowed lead level, and vinyl lunch boxes and backpacks also had high amounts of lead, the nonprofit group Center for Environmental Health said on Wednesday.

Lead found in toys, backpacks in U.S. stores: group | Health |

Another Snake Story

Last night, we were outside and I was pulling the weeds in the "flower bed". I hadn't done that in, like, two years. Papa Rooster was next door at my brother's house. They were outside doing something (probably drinking beer, passing gas, and talking about NASCAR.) But anyway, me and Shorty were pulling the weeds and I had one small patch to go. I grabbed a handful of weeds and was admiring the roots that I had gotten in that one tug (I think I even did a Tim Allen grunt because I was so proud of myself). Then I look down to admire the clean, weed-free hole this bunch of roots came from, and lo and behold there's a freakin' snake. So, of course, I scream at the top of my lungs. I grab Maddie and all I hear is what sounds like tools being dropped next door and my brother and Papa Rooster say, "What is it?" I yelled, "Snake." They come trotting over to check it out. By the time they get over here, the snake has gone back into his hole or den or tree or bush or wherever it is that snakes live.

Their second question, "How big was it?" I show them how big (about a foot long). Their response, "Aw, hell, probably just an ol' grass snake." My reply, "I don't give a shit if it's a grass snake or a python or a cotton mouth or a rubber snake - a snake is a freakin' snake and it must die." Papa Rooster jogs to the barn and gets a sharp shooter. He comes back and starts jabbing at the ground. My brother keeps saying things like, "Are you sure it was a snake? It probably was a lizard. I think you're seeing things."

I am seeing things, Bro. I'm seeing the time when Big Daddy Rooster and I were in the shed a few years ago and you were outside in front of your house and I heard what I thought was a school girl scream the loudest scream I have ever heard in my life. And then you come running around the back of your house flailing your orangutan arms in the air screaming, "Help, it's after me. Sweet Jesus, help me. It's a f***in' alien or something. Help! Help!"

I will never forget that shrill, ear-piercing little girl scream that came out of your 6'4" frame over a f***in' bug that buzzed by your head. Aren't paybacks a bitch?

(I'm getting the heebie-jeebies looking at snake pictures trying to find out what kind of snake it was that I saw last night. These look like the one I saw, but I'm too freaked out to keep looking.)

I thought these were too cute.

Via: Miss Cellania

The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love |

Does anybody recognize this guy? You know you do if you watch Yo Gabba Gabba! It's Biz. You know, "It's time for Biz's beat of the day." I had never seen him before in my life until I watched Yo Gabba Gabba! One of his songs is number 8 on this top 10 list.

I have to tell you I only recognized 5 out of the 10 songs. I was a little disappointed that the Beastie Boys song Brass Monkey just got an honorable mention. What about Salt N Pepa's "I'll Take Your Man"? How come "Lotty Dotty" didn't make it or "Thinking Of A Master Plan"? I have no idea if those are the titles to the songs I'm thinking of, but I could sing word for freakin' word Lotty Dotty, we likes to party, we don't cause trouble, we don't bother nobody...

I'm doing the cabbage patch as I type. That takes talent, folks.

The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love |

Via: Attuworld

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

If you love snow, this may be a winter of discontent

Dreaming of a warm Christmas?

This might be the year to put away the parkas and break out the shorts.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration says most of the U.S., including Texas, will have higher-than-normal temperatures from December to February.

For Texas, that could mean an end to wetter-than-normal conditions that have been present for much of the year. But forecasters caution that these long-range predictions are an inexact science.

"It wouldn't surprise me if we're warmer than normal, but I don't think you can rule out some winter events," said Steve Fano, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service. "I think people need to remember that these forecasts are painted with a very broad brush over a three-month period."

Still, there are some disturbing signs.

The first week of October set records for the average temperature and the warmest overnight low temperature at Dallas/Fort Worth Airport.

Rainfall, which is still 16.71 inches above normal for the year, has slowed to trickle this month. Only 0.24 inch of rain has been recorded at D/FW this month. Average rainfall for October is 4.11 inches.

"If it doesn't rain over the next two or three weeks, we're going to start losing our big lead on rainfall for the year," Fano said.

State climatologist John Nielsen-Gammon said the long-range forecasts are consistent with what Texas would see in a La Niña year. Whether it means Texas is going back into a prolonged drought isn't clear. "We've been going through these periods over the last decade where we have one or two years of wet weather followed by one or two years of dry weather, so it wouldn't be surprising if next year turned out to be a dry year," Nielsen-Gammon said. "But other than a drier-than-normal winter, there's nothing to indicate we're headed that way."

The good news is that North Texas is expected to get seasonal cold fronts that bring more comfortable conditions to the region. But with the exception of a chance of rain on Sunday, it should remain dry.

That troubles firefighters, who are worried about wildfires in the southern U.S. this winter. Parts of the Southeast have been facing a major drought all summer, but some parts of East Texas aren't far behind. Firefighters from across the U.S. plan to meet via teleconference today to discuss the potential threat.

"I think we'll be hurting in East Texas if we don't get rain during the next two weeks, and if we go without rain for the next four weeks in North Texas we're going to be facing serious problems here as well," said Traci Weaver, spokeswoman for the Texas Forest Service. | 10/10/2007 | If you love snow, this may be a winter of discontent

Looks like no Frosty this year. Guess we'll just have to order the set of snowmen on that video I posted a few days ago.

Fort Worth Parents Alerted About Abduction Attempt

Okay - this scares this piss out of me because this school is in my neighborhood. Maybe they ought to check out all the registered sex offenders in the area. There's one on Lowery Road and tons more in the area which is enough to scare the crap out of you. Hey, I got an idea...let's take all the sex offenders and throw them out in the field where the coyotes were last night and let nature take its course. Would have been nice if they would have given a description of the sicko.

Fort Worth Parents Alerted About Abduction Attempt

(CBS 11 News) FORT WORTH An attempted abduction has some North Texas parents on high alert. A man tried to snatch a Fort Worth elementary school student in broad daylight while she was on her way home from school.

The 10-year-old girl told CBS 11 News that she was walking alone on a Lowery Road sidewalk when a man, on a red and black bicycle, came up and tried to attack her. "He came up to me, and uh, he pulled the back of my shirt," said student Jatacia McCallister. "He didn't say nothing, he just pulled the back of my shirt and tried to make me get on the bike."

Wednesday the principal of Lowery Road Elementary, Debra Williamson, sent a letter home with students detailing the incident. The letter stated that, 'An incident report was filed with the Fort Worth Police Department and with the Fort Worth ISD Safety and Security Department.'

Jatacia's mother, Karen McCallister, described how her daughter told her about the incident. "My daughter is in tears, she's very emotional, she's hysterical. I asked her, 'What happened?' She said, 'Mama, some man tried to rape me.' I was like, 'What do you mean rape?' She said, 'He grabbed me mama. He tried to pull me on his bike mama. He tried to take me.'"

Karen says she isn't taking any more chances and from now on will pick her daughter up from school.

According to Jatacia the man let her go when he saw other students and parents headed their way. The fifth grader said when the man let go of her she ran home.

Parent Tamela Martin told CBS 11 News that her daughter had a strange encounter with a man, fitting the description of the suspect, who persistently tried to talk to her daughter about a year and a half ago.

The Fort Worth School District has stepped up security around Lowery Elementary and had a Resource Officer out looking for the suspect Wednesday.

School administrators say officers will be patrolling the area after classes. Students are also being encouraged to walk in groups. Parents are also being encouraged to tell their children about the dangers of talking to strangers.

Williamson said, "The number one priority at Lowery Road Elementary is the safety of our students."

Max & Ruby

I don't know if you can tell by the Amazon link up there, but I absolutely adore Max & Ruby. I could watch this show all day long. Shorty loves it too. That's a hint for anybody that's coming to her birthday party weekend after next.

Fun with Max & Ruby

Max & Ruby Pint & Play Activities | Online Games | Recipes | E-Cards | Nick Jr

N O G G I N: Max & Ruby

Max and Ruby Merchandise Store - Max & Ruby Gifts & Products

Max & Ruby

From Crackle: Max and Ruby

This dog will clean your monitor

Wish this was a Basset instead of a Pug. Oh, well, want in one hand and you-know-what in the other...

Nothing To Do With Arbroath: This dog will clean your monitor

Cat's First Encounter With Ice Cubes



For some reason, I call Shorty "Boogala" all the time. I think it came from me calling her Sugar Boogar Bear. Don't ask me how that morphed into boogala, but it did. Anyway, I just looked up the term boogala thinking that there was no real definition for it, but to my surprise there was. This reminds me of when my niece and nephew were little and my sister would always laughingly call them dingleberries. She had no idea what that meant, but as soon as she found out what it meant, she stopped calling them that.

Too ugly for me to copy and paste so if you want to know what it means, here you go: Urban Dictionary: oogala boogala


Shorty just told me there was a snake under my dresser. First she said it was green, then red, now it's green again. I'm a little freaked out about it, but since she keeps saying different colors, I won't leave the house like I did when she pointed by the washing machine and said, Mouse! I will admit I'm a little jumpy though. The cat's tail just brushed my foot and I just about jumped through the ceiling.

Red Dragonfly

Have you ever seen one of these? It freaked me out when I first saw it. I thought it was a midget Cardinal for a second. I've seen it one other time down in the creek in front of our house.

Is there some kind of old wife's tale about seeing a red, am I going to die soon or lose the ability to control my bladder? Please leave me a comment and let me know

Designated Cabbage Patch Driver

Could Papa Rooster go to jail for this?

Parrot Flower

Thanks, Tim


For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

Thanks, Sheri

When God Paints, He Uses All His Colors

Thanks, Tim...gorgeous pictures

Washington DC, 7 years after Clinton left town

Thanks, Tim

What exactly is a son of a bitch???

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, what is a sonofabitch? And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophism that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the midst of a deactivation. The guy behind him, well..., he's a sonofabitch!

Via: Bits & Pieces: What exactly is a son of a bitch???

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel,
"Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," says the camel,
"I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose wiener is on his face.

Thanks, Martha

24 Warning Signs You Cannot Afford To Ignore

Do you know what it means when you feel dizzy when you get out of bed? When you go blind - but just for a second? Or when your tooth tingles when you eat chocolate?

These common aches and ailments could very well be nothing. Or something far, far worse. Here are 24 warning signs that you need to take seriously, and what you should do if you experience them.

The Presurfer: 24 Warning Signs You Cannot Afford To Ignore

Girl Drinks - A List of Drinks Men Should Never Order

I love Number 6 - Anything that ends in ‘-tini’ (Appletini, Flirtini, Chocolatini, and so on).

Girl Drinks - A List of Drinks Men Should Never Order — Campus Squeeze

Via: Presurfer

Manly Drinks - The Manliest Drinks in the World

Manly Drinks - The Manliest Drinks in the World — Campus Squeeze

Via: Presurfer

Secret Recipes -

Orange Julius Recipe
6 ounces orange juice, from frozen concentrate, unprepared
1 cup milk
1 cup water
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
8 ice cubes
Combine all ingredients, except ice cubes, in blender. Blend
1−2 minutes, adding ice cubes one at a time, until smooth.

More here: Secret Recipes -


Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Coyote Serenade

While I was feeding and watering the dogs tonight (we have four Basset Hounds), some coyotes sang me a tune. Sounded like two different packs to me. Maybe this is their fight song.
This video is not meant to be seen, but heard, so just listen.

One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."


3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.."
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Thanks, Sheri

Scent-Free Magazines?

I received an email from Popular Mechanics. It made me realize that my husband hasn't received a single magazine since I ordered him a gift subscription over a month ago. After attempting to put my name, his name, our address and every possible combination of the three, I still can't get to the customer service page. Anyway, I did, however find this:

First of all, it looks like Hearst Communications could use me as a proofreader. And secondly, what's the purpose of a scent-free magazine? Is that a treehugger thing or am I missing something?

Update: I got a response from Popular Mechanics about the scent-free magazines and here it is: "We have many subscribers who would prefer a scent free issue due to
health reasons, therefore we offer scent free issues." That makes sense to me now. I know chemotherapy sometimes affects a person's sense of smell; it can make flowers that once smelled beautiful smell like rotting trash.

They didn't comment on whether they would hire me as a proofreader. I take that as a, You're off your rocker, lady."

Foward This Email

I got this email today from my ex-step-sister-in-law (whew, that's hard to explain).

The power of one sentence!

God is going to shift things around for you today and let things
work in your favor.

If you believe, send this to ten people. If you don't believe,
delete it.

So I forwarded it back to her along with these words:

Why must you send me things that make me feel like I'm going to hell if I don't forward them to someone? I'm not going to hell because I'm a good person, dammit, and by God, people like me. Can I get an Amen?

Feel the love, Sister.

I hope she doesn't get pissed off at me for saying that, but I just can't help it. She's not the only one that sends me stuff like that. In fact, she's not the main culprit. There's someone else in my address book that sends me emails that make me feel like I'll be fanning flames for eternity. You know who you are. I'll spare you the embarrassment and not put your name here.

To everyone else in my address book, you can thank me later for not forwarding these to you. Please remember me when we've passed on, and sip on a cold one in my honor.

I got a reply from my ex-step-sister-in-law and I love it and had to share it:

Not All Donated Hair Really Goes To Sick Children

(CBS) BOSTON Donating hair to help sick children certainly sounds like a good cause, but not all of the hair collected actually goes to those young patients.

Every year thousands of people donate their hair thinking it's going directly to a young child. But if the hair doesn't meet specific requirements, it usually gets sold to a commercial company. Although those sales help cover administrative costs for the organizations, most donors aren't aware that's how their locks are being used.

Tricia Apruzzese's short new hair cut is more than fashion statement. She cut off 15 inches and donated it to Locks of Love, an organization that makes hair pieces for those in need.

"I wanted to do it to help others," Tricia said.

There are several charities, all with different guidelines. Tricia did her homework.

"If I didn't know beforehand, I would've been upset to know that my hair wasn't used after I went through the process."

Be sure to check whether colored or permed hair can be used. Some charities are stricter than others. Bleached hair is not an option

"The manufacturer puts it through this process which basically strips hair down to its natural color and if it's been heavily chemically damaged over years, the hair will fall apart at that point," explained Madonna Coffman of Locks of Love.

Hair must be clean and long enough, usually between 8-12 inches. Before you cut it, put it in a ponytail or braid, to show which way the hair grows.

"If it's implanted upside down in the prosthesis, it will mat and tangle," Coffman said.

Send hair in a plastic bag, but be sure it's dry first. Coffman says it you follow the guidelines you can really help someone in need.

"Based on the thank you cards and the photographs that we get from kids, it means everything to them."

Locks of Love estimates that 80 percent of their donors are actually kids who want to help other kids. - Not All Donated Hair Really Goes To Sick Children

Quit your bitching. Did you read the part where it says, "if the hair doesn't meet specific requirements, it usually gets sold to a commercial company. Although those sales help cover administrative costs for the organizations..."? Your fried hair that's ruined from too many bottles of Madonna-wannabe-platinum blond color will still do the charity some good. Just because you won't see a sick kid walking around with your frizzball hair, doesn't mean it didn't help that child out in some way or another. Shut the hell up!

Roommate fatally stabbed over 'stinky feet' comment

The Associated Press

HOUSTON -- A 22-year-old man is accused of fatally stabbing his roommate after the dead man complained about the suspect's smelly feet, police said Monday.

William Antonio Serrano and his roommate were drinking Saturday night in the 10-foot-by-10-foot bedroom they subleased from a married couple, Houston police Sgt. Macario Sosa said. An argument broke out after a comment about "stinky feet," Sosa said.

The woman who lived in the apartment was outside with her newborn baby when she looked in a window and saw the suspect with two knives in his hands, Sosa said.

"By the time she got inside, he was on top of the other man," Sosa said.

The roommate was stabbed several times, Sosa said.

Serrano was in the Harris County Jail on Monday facing a murder charge.

The roommate's name had not been released by Monday afternoon. | 10/09/2007 | Roommate fatally stabbed over 'stinky feet' comment

Lawyers suggest improvements to court project - Does anyone ever ask the court reporter their opinion?

"A representative from a committee comprised of Midland attorneys recommends a few changes to the design for the future Courts and Administration Building, but indicates the overall impression is quite favorable."

More here: - Lawyers suggest improvements to court project

My two cents: I used to work at the "newly-restored" Parker County Courthouse. I always wondered if anyone ever asked the court reporters who worked for the county if the design of the courtroom worked for them. The courtroom is absolutely huge. It's very impressive, as you can see from the picture below.

Sitting in the court reporter's "spot", you can hardly see the defense table. You better hope like hell the "sound system" is working because if it's not, you won't hear a thing.

Funny story along those lines - during a jury trial, one of the assistant county attorneys forgot to turn his microphone off during a recess. We didn't realize that until he flushed the toilet. You talk about someone being red-faced, his face turned a beautiful shade of garnet after we told him his mic was still on.

Another weird story: Rats were in the ceiling and they would chew away at the wood or sheetrock or whatever is up there and all the little bits would fall down around the witness stand and my desk. Also, you had to watch out for kamikaze crickets who would nose dive from the ceiling onto the top of your head.

No wonder Britney Spears is crazy, imagine if you had this many people following you everywhere.

Via: Across-the-Board ( No wonder Britney Spears is crazy, imagine if you had this many people following you everywhere.

(If the fact that someone's on dope means they're crazy, then Britney Spears is crazy. However, let me just add, I think people do dope not because they're crazy, but because they're unhappy.)

Wow, I just realized something after watching this video. I have thought this before, but this video just reiterates it for me - Britney, quit wasting your money on bodyguards. No amount of money could ever pay for the kind of protection the swarm of media that surrounds you gives you everywhere you go.

Please Buy Me A Bra

Please Buy Me A Bra
by cowboy poet Bill Hirschi

You know, I've never been much for shopping
In fact I try to stay away from town
Except when shipping time comes,
I ain't easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with ma
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

Without thinkin' I said "sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, when I done the things I needed
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.

I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.

I walked right up to the sales clerk
I didn't hem or haw
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gives me a disgusted look
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display
Well I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well I finally make my mind up
Picked a black and lacy one
I told the lady,
"Bag it up," And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
"Six and seven eighths."

"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh yes ma'am, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I use to measure with,
I figured it was fair
But If I'm wrong I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured
I gave the gal her pay
I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.

Via: Miss Cellania

Taxidermy with a twist: Artist takes stuffing dead animals in new direction

Artist Polly Morgan's work is taxidermy with a twist.

Instead of a mounted stag's head or wide-eyed owl under a glass dome, her creations include a robin that appears to have got stuck while flying through a pane of glass, a dead sparrow prostate on a copy of the New Testament and a magpie perched on a Bakelite telephone.

Her first solo exhibition, which opened yesterday, challenges our perceptions of death and nature and teeters on the edge of macabre.

Nothing To Do With Arbroath: Taxidermy with a twist: Artist takes stuffing dead animals in new direction

License Plate Map

This can be yours for $3900.00
(Why can't I be this creative?)

Via: Presurfer

10 Most Brilliant Inventions of 2007

From Inventor Spot:

R&D Magazine has sponsored the 'Oscars of Inventions' for 45 years. These research and design awards are coveted by government as well as private industry inventors. A significant portion of the 2007 awards are homeland security/military innovations; others are environmental, health, and there's even innovations for kids, like a must-have-Holiday-toy robot!

10 Most Brilliant Inventions of 2007 - R&D Magazine | Inventor Spot

Via: Presurfer

Monday, October 8, 2007

More families bringing funerals home

More families bringing funerals home - Behavior -

Via: Linkfilter

Paper F-16

This is for you, Big Daddy Rooster.

How To Made Paper F-16 - The most popular videos are a click away
Maybe it's me, but I got lost at the end.

Via: Attuworld

Boy Scout Badges Recalled For Lead Levels

You know what, I am seriously getting pissed off at all these Made In China products. I went shopping this weekend for Shorty's birthday presents and every damn toy I picked up was made in freakin' China. Even the TMX Cookie Monster I bought is made in China. I tried my best to find toys made in the USA, but that is close to impossible. What a shitty birthday she would have if I bought made-in-the-USA products. Here, Sweetheart, here's your birthday present...a freakin' Spanish chocolate bar...but dammit, it's made in the USA. - Boy Scout Badges Recalled For Lead Levels

Murphy Boy Caught In Soccer Net Dies

A horrible ending to a horrific story. - Murphy Boy Caught In Soccer Net Dies

Heartwarming Story?

Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Thanks, Mom

Where Aren't They Now: The 7 Strangest Post-Sitcom Careers - Where Aren't They Now: The 7 Strangest Post-Sitcom Careers


The Weirdest Insects in the World

Oh, Hell No...Hell No!! There cannot be something crawling around on the face of this earth that looks like this - Hell, No!! Please tell me it isn't true.

Neatorama » Blog Archive » The Weirdest Insects in the World

Welding Cart


Missing Fort Worth Woman's Car Found Burned

I read stories all the time for missing people. It always breaks my heart. For some reason, this story really bothers me. First of all, this woman lives on the same side of town as I do. She was not married and had no boyfriend and no known enemies. This lady worked at the same place for 20-plus years.

I know there's not many people who actually read my blog, but if you read this, and you have any information at all on the whereabouts of this lady, please call the Fort Worth Police Department and put this family's mind at ease. - Missing Fort Worth Woman's Car Found Burned

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust.'

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Thanks, Tim

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

Thanks, Tim

The End Of The Rainbow

Finally someone has been able to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!!!

Thanks, Tim

Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly did not whine, nag or bitch........

But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day.
The End

Thanks, Tim
(Of course this was sent to me by a person of the male persuasion.)

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says, "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

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Sunday, October 7, 2007

How Many Germs Live On Your Computer - Am I Just Nasty Or What?

2,561,580How Many Germs Live On Your Keyboard?


Friday in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

Thanks, Martha

Dallas Cowboys' Schedule - For Big Daddy

2007 Regular Season Schedule
Mon, Oct 8 @ Buffalo (ESPN) 7:30 pm Travel
Sun, Oct 14 NEW ENGLAND (CBS) 3:15 pm Tickets
Sun, Oct 21 MINNESOTA (FOX) Noon Tickets
Sun, Oct 28 BYE WEEK
Sun, Nov 4 @ Philadelphia (NBC) 7:15 pm Travel
Sun, Nov 11 @ NY Giants (FOX) 3:15 pm Travel
Sun, Nov 18 WASHINGTON (FOX) Sponsored By DR PEPPER Noon Tickets
Thu, Nov 22 NY JETS (CBS) Sponsored By MILLER 3:15 pm Tickets
Thu, Nov 29 GREEN BAY (NFL) 7:15 pm Tickets
Sun, Dec 9 @ Detroit (FOX) Noon Travel
Sun, Dec 16 PHILADELPHIA (FOX) Sponsored By MOTOROLA 3:15 pm Tickets
Sat, Dec 22 @ Carolina (NFL) 7:15 pm Travel
Sun, Dec 30 @ Washington (FOX) Noon Travel