So I Lied

What a freak Loco is. I had just taken clothes out of the dryer, and he jumps in there while it's still hot. I have to admit, I shut the door with him in there. It took all I had in me to not turn it on and let him spin a couple of times. I probably would have if this wasn't a brand new dryer. I would have been pissed at myself if he had scratched the inside of it with his back claws.


I was going to fix the red-eye on this one, but that would have messed up his alien eyes.


As Maddie would say, 'prize.


Loco is thinking, I must remember this spot so I can hide from that little shorty who chokes me until I gag.


Look, he's stayed in there so long, his eyes are starting to burn.

No Posts For A While

Like I told y'all earlier, we've got a family reunion to go to in Arkansas this weekend. We're leaving tomorrow to go to Mena to visit some family there and so my hubby can see the beautiful country.


Of course we'll have to stop off at the Cossatot River that's now a state park. We used to go swimming there before the state took it over.


We're going to drive to Pine Ridge so I can show him the Lum and Abner Store.


Then on to Mount Ida to visit the American Legion there. It's dedicated to my grandfather who died in WWII.


Then on to a crystal mine so we can dig our own crystals.



Finally, on to Morrilton for the family reunion. We'll be taking our new Tom Tom navigation system with us (my birthday present) so we won't get lost - I hope.


I almost forgot to add how I got the name half-redneck. My grandmother's cousin, who lives in Mena, who is in his 80s, used to ride his 4-wheeler everywhere (he loved to "pop wheelies" in his driveway). He was talking to my grandmother one day and said, That ol' Shelley, she's about half redneck, isn't she? Yes, I am, and proud of it.

I Believe...

I got these in an email from Tim. I went to the website delidana.com, it wouldn't connect. These are great.

10-Year-Old Blues

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

English Language - Miss Cellania

Okay all you Language Nazis (aka court reporters), you've got to go check this out. It is hilarious.

English Language - Miss Cellania - Miss Cellania

Facts About Filling Plastic Water Bottles With Tap Water

Claim: A University of Idaho student's masters thesis found that reused plastic water bottles leach chemicals.

Reality: Not true, the FDA says. The student's tests were not subjected to peer or FDA review. The FDA has classified polyethylene terephthalate (PET) -- the material used in most disposable water bottles -- as meeting federal standards for food-contact materials.

Claim: The plasticizer DEHA is a human carcinogen that can leach from the plastic bottles into the water, possibly causing cancer.

Reality: First, the plasticizer used in PET is diethlhexyladipate, not diethylhydroxylamine (DEHA). The American Cancer Society states, "The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency says DEHA 'cannot reasonably be anticipated to cause cancer ... or other serious or irreversible chronic health effects.'"

Claim: Freezing water releases dioxins in plastic bottles.

Reality: Plastics contain no dioxins, says Rolf Halden, assistant professor in the Department of Environment Health Sciences and the Center for Water and Health at Johns Hopkins.

"Freezing actually works against the release of chemicals," he adds. "Chemicals do not diffuse as readily in cold temperatures, which would limit chemical release if there were dioxins in plastic, and we don't think there are."

Claim: A University of Calgary study found coliform (typically from fecal matter) and heterotrophic (bacteria from the mouth) in 12 percent of 75 water bottles reused by elementary school children.

Reality: Yes, bacteria were present, but the study's author concluded that a lack of personal hygiene was to blame. The bottles and kids' hands were not properly cleaned before refilling.

Claim: It's dangerous to drink water from a plastic bottle left in a hot car.

Reality: True, and the same goes for exposing an open water bottle to room temperature for too long, says Keith Christman, senior director of packaging for the American Chemistry Council's Plastics Division.

"You want to treat it as an opened food product container," he says. "That's why many food products say 'refrigerate after use' because bacteria can grow in warm conditions."

Claim: Lexan is a polycarbonate plastic, used in sports bottles such as Nalgene, that contains bisphenol A, which if consumed can cause chromosomal disruption, miscarriages, birth defects and obesity.

Reality: It depends on whom you ask. The Environment California Research & Policy Center notes that more than 130 studies found that BPA at very low doses was linked to adverse health effects. Also, 38 leading scientific experts on BPA have called for more research because of those studies.

Plastics

Bottled water: Most bottles are made of polyethylene terephthalate (PET), which experts say makes them safe for reuse as long as they are in good condition (no cracks) and properly cleaned before refilling. Less durable than sports bottles, they should be replaced more frequently.

Nestle Waters North America sells eco-shaped half-liter Ozarka bottled water that uses 30 percent less plastic than average disposable water bottles.

Sports bottles: These, which include Nalgene, are made of polycarbonate or high-density polyethylene and are designed for long-term reuse. Polycarbonates are linked to bisphenol A, which some research indicates is an endocrine disruptor causing birth defects, obesity and other health problems. Like single-use bottles, they should be cleaned before reuse.

Non-plastics

Biota: The bottles, filled with spring water, are derived from a renewable resource (corn) that degrades in 75 to 80 days in a commercial compost. They can be refilled like other single-use bottles. For store locator, visit biotaspringwater.com.

Sigg: The reusable metal bottle is made of aluminum and sprayed inside with a food-compatible stove enamel. As with other bottles, it must be cleaned properly to remove bacteria.

Star-Telegram.com | 09/11/2007 | Pour on the cold, hard facts

7 amazing holes « deputydog

7 amazing holes « deputydog

Paleo-Future: French Prints Show the Year 2000 (1910)

Paleo-Future: French Prints Show the Year 2000 (1910)

The National Library of France (BnF) has an amazing collection of prints from 1910 which depict life in the year 2000. They are credited to Villemard.

r u afraid of thumbtacks?

My mom sent me this email today.

Subject: r u afraid of thumbtacks?
Did you see where Childrens World (now KinderCare, I think) was accused of sticking kids in their care with thumbtacks when they misbehaved?


Back in the 70's, for some odd reason there was a couple of years there where they didn't offer kindergarten in public schools, and I had to go to a private kindergarten. And you guessed it, I went to Children's World. I'm glad that I'm now 34 years old - will be 35 day after tomorrow, but don't tell anyone - and my mom is curious to know if I have a fear of thumbtacks. Did she not see me on the Maury show with the lady who was scared of pickles? I can't believe she hasn't seen me run out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs and holding my ears and crying my eyes out when someone wants to play pin the tail on the donkey. And corkboards - don't even mention the word cork around me because you know what goes with corkboards - thumbta- -- I can't even finish the sentence. Oh, hep me lawd, please.!

White Trash Mom: Monday's List of Moms I Want on MY Side

Wow! I'm excited because I made whitetrashmom's list of moms she wants on her side. I have to say, though, I didn't write the letter she's referring to. I'm still funny though, right? Am I right? White Trash Mom: Monday's List of Moms I Want on MY Side

Cat On Glass

VIA: Bits & Pieces: Glass cat

Lou Rawls Prostate Exam

Drugstore.com - Beauty Blowout (free shipping on orders over $25)

Hurry! Shop Now!

Natalie Dee

Natalie Dee is the female counterpart of Married To The Sea. Some of these are hilarious to me.

This one probably isn't suited for work once again because it has the "F" word in it, but if the "F" word wasn't in it, it probably wouldn't be so funny.


Another one:

nataliedee.com

Natalie Dee

Married To The Sea: "The Champagne of Comics"

These are hilarious to me. They take old black and white drawings and write sayings about them. That doesn't sound too funny, but you have to go check them out. Here's some of my favorites:





Married To The Sea: "The Champagne of Comics"

Bombay Outlet > Sale and Clearance - Up To 50% Off

Up to 50% off, plus free shipping on orders over $100.

Isn't this pretty?

Palmer Television Cabinet - $299.99 (was $599) - Holds up to a 42" flat screen TV.


This is gorgeous too, but it's sold in-store only.

Bohemian Floor Mirror - $129.99 (was $199.95) - Dimensions: 1.75"l x 37.00"w x 70.00"h

Bombay Outlet > Sale and Clearance

So True

Fellowes PDA Travel Portfolio Pad

Graveyard Mall - Daily Deal - Fellowes PDA Travel Portfolio Pad
Compare At: $34.99
Our Price: $4.99

I have no idea why, but every time I see this Fellowes brand, I always think of this:

Brian Fellow's Safari Planet

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Weatherford Democrat - Crime Report

My sister lives in Weatherford. I used to work in Weatherford. I had a real nice office on the third floor of the newly-renovated Parker County Courthouse. I had an awesome view straight down South Main.

Before I get all misty-eyed, let me get back to what I was talking about. Ever since my sister and her family moved to Weatherford, I've always found it enjoyable to pick up the local newspaper (The Weatherford Democrat) and read through the crime reports. Some of them are rather humorous. I always rib my brother-in-law, a native Weatherfordite, about some of the "heinous crimes" that are committed in Parker County.

Here's just a sample:

Aug. 28

At the 200 block of College Park Drive, a complainant advised that between Aug. 9 and Aug. 27, a known person who had been staying with them stole their debit card and used it to make several charges including bailing himself out of jail. At this time, no arrests have been made and the case is under investigation.


Monday, Aug. 6
In the 1300 block of South Main, a complainant advised that a white male was observed concealing two Monster drinks on his person and then exit the store without paying for them. A 26-year-old white male of Weatherford was issued a citation for theft under $50.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007
In the 900 block of Fort Worth Highway, a complainant reported that between June 18 and July 18 unknown suspect(s) stole a tailgate off of a 2005 Dodge pickup bed.

Thursday, July 19
In the 1800 block of South Main, at approximately 7 p.m. an employee of Wal-Mart reported that two unknown female suspects were observed concealing bottles of suntan lotion under their clothing. When the suspects exited the store the suspects were detained by store employees until police arrived. The suspects were later issued citations for the theft and then released.

Monday, July 23
In the 1200 block of Mikus Road, an employee of Crown Valley Golf Course reported that between 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. unknown suspect(s) stole approximately 200 gallons of gasoline from a storage tank located at the property.

July 16
In the 100 block of Otto Drive, a complainant advised that sometime between July 8 and July 15, unknown person(s) made forced entry into a storage building and stole an inflatable water slide. Total loss $749.


Monday, June 18
In the 1800 block of South Main, a complainant reported that between 10 p.m. and 1:30 a.m. June 15 a known acquaintance had entered into her vehicle and stole a cowboy hat.


Weatherford Democrat - Crime Report

International Exotic Animal Sanctuary

I had no idea this place even existed, and it's about 30 minutes from here. I also didn't know that a bear has been housed at the North Texas Humane Society for over a year.

These wonderful people are "building him a sizable habitat consistent with those we build for our larger cats. He will have grass, a den, perches, a "jungle gym" to play on, and other enrichment items in a large habitat with grass and trees. We want to give him the life he deserves and to give him the best life he can have in captivity."

They have also taken in four grizzly bear cubs. These cubs are 17 months old and were unexpectedly born at a facility in Central Texas that didn't have the room or capacity to give them adequate housing. Their habitat will be adjoining the black bear habitats, and we are creating a "Bear Manor" with many concepts, trees, perches, a swimming pool, and play equipment so that they can have a happy and enjoyable life.

They just rescued two baby black bear cubs that were orphaned when their mother was killed by a Wyoming game warden when they were encountered in a residential neighborhood.

Not only are they giving these bears a safe and comfortable environment to live in but also leopards (including snow leopards), tigers, bobcats, cheetahs, cougars, jaguars, leopards, lions, and servals.


There are tours available Saturdays @ 11:00 and 3:00, and Sundays @ 11:00. Cost is a suggested $20 per adult and $10 per child. CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 7 ARE NOT PERMITTED ON THE TOURS (That might be a good thing).
Please visit this website and, if at all possible, make a donation.

International Exotic Animal Sanctuary | About Us

By Hooker Or By Crook

By Hooker Or By Crook
Chattanooga, TN

Paul Yates said he rented a room with two white females at the Motel 6 on Lee Highway.

He said things were going fine when he was in the shower with one of the ladies.

Mr. Yates said he later went to the store to get a paper, and he discovered he was missing $200.

He said he returned to the motel and found both women departed. He figures that while he was in the shower with one of the women that the other one was going through his billfold. (Ya think?!)

Found in the Chattanoogan

Lots of other hilarious small town shenanigans here: Small Town Misfit » Blog Archive » By Hooker Or By Crook

best of craigslist : I am an IDIOT--But thank you for your concern

Now, this is funny.

I am an IDIOT--But thank you for your concern
Date: 2007-07-20, 10:47PM EDT

Hello Everyone-
I posted about finding a very pregnant cat the other day. I received numerous e-mails of concern and suggestions. Thank you to all who responded.

I spent most of last night rubbing her belly and feeling the babies move and telling her it was okay that she was a slut. My mother came over and we decided that she must have 4 or 5 babies cooking in there. When she stood up, her hoo-ha looked swollen so we decided that she was almost ready to blow. I put up flyers and patiently waited and hoped that someone would claim their precious little girl. Hmmm Precious is a good name. Yes, I shall call her Precious.

I dedided that she should go to the vet as she looks kind of beat up--wow I am such a good person. I feel awfully good about myself for taking in this poor creature.
So as it turns out--according to the incredible people at Timonium Animal Hospital, she has a split eyelid, a broken tooth, fleas, a puncture hole in her tail, and her tail is broken. Poor baby! Now here is the best part, I excitedly ask about her babies and when they think she might give birth.

This is when the vet begins to laugh, then the tech begins to laugh. The vet turns the cat around and pushes something out. Well me oh my, it was a penis sans testicles. My pregnant girl, that I was so upset that someone would put out, is just a really fat boy.

So I apologize to everyone who responded and hoped for a kitten. There will be none. Also, I have adopted HIM and put him on a diet, flea control, and antibiotics.

HE is on the mend. I am currently taking suggestions for names though as PRECIOUS is not quite fitting and TUBBY BASTARD might give him a complex.

Thanks again,
I am an idiot.

best of craigslist : I am an IDIOT--But thank you for your concern

VIA: http://www.misscellania.com/miss-cellania/

The Hamster Story

I read this a long time ago, but it's still hilarious.

If you have raised kids, and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!! Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape." "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience!" I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!" what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

"Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.

"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

"Should I dial 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb", for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, master, er, er, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just...Excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless Manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "Just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little ... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

Hammer Time

How to be a Great Dad - 12 Awesome Tips | zen habits

I'm lucky that Maddie has a great dad, but here's a few hints for everyone else.

How to be a Great Dad - 12 Awesome Tips | zen habits

Secret Homemade Stain Removers

Paul Michael blogs at a site named Wisebread and he tossed together a handful of solutions that you can use to clean up at home. Each of the remedies has a video showing its effectiveness. From water stains to rust removers, there are super cheap ways to get the job done.

More Here (including video showing Alka Seltzer Rust Removal and a link to Wisebread): Secret Homemade Stain Removers - Dumb Little Man

Tech Support

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.
========================
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus programe do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus programe.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

New Jersey - Man Shoots Ex-Girlfriend, Then Shoots Himself @ Gymboree

This is a scary story, but luckily the ex-girlfriend is alive in critical condition with non-life-threatening injuries. The ex-boyfriend is dead.

Man shoots ex-girlfriend, then kills himself inside Menlo Park Mall - Breaking News From New Jersey - NJ.com