Threw It On The Ground

This is pretty dang funny.



Thanks, Chance, for posting on Facebook

Facebook Comment

Saw this on Facebook after I completed one of those dumb quizzes.

I'm thinking my luck would be a lot worse if I did what this person suggested.

Dallas Mavericks Maniaacs

Saw these guys this morning on Channel 8 News, and I almost fell out of the chair laughing. Love them!

Summer In Texas - Gotta Love It

Dear Diary,

Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?

At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.

I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.

I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!!

And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one.

Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, my ass caught fire.

My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

I’m convinced now that the weather report is a damn recording. Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?"

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Best Home Improvement Tool Ever

This cracked me up - so much so that I posted it on both my blogs.



Thanks, Mom

Lemons

Ad on Yahoo

This looks odd to me.

Stop Yelling Across The House

Thanks, Mom

Carnation Milk

Thanks, Mom

I've Got Everything I Need

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend and she's a far better lover than you are..'

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck.

'I want the house,' he says insistently..

Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.

85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says. 'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

Thanks, Sheri

An Old Cowboy's Advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Thanks, Tim

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue..
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

Thanks, Shelly

Furball

Thanks, Martha

Be Good To Your Nurse

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'


Thanks, Mom

Muscles

Thanks, Martha

Mentally Unbalanced

Thanks, Martha

Never Cheat On A Hillbilly Woman

A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury and cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally whacker in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up hillbilly was terrified, and hollered, "STOP! STOP! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's' hand and said, 'Nope, I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!

Thanks, Peggy

Original Pole Dancer

4th Grade Biology

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before he could say Shit, the Rottweiler ate him!”

The teacher wet her pants laughing.

Thanks, Peggy

How To Spot A Redneck With A DUI Conviction

Women Spot Naked, Orange Man on Jogging Trail

I just read this story over on The Dallas Morning News website.

A couple of joggers ran by a naked man painted orange around 11 a.m. Thursday. One of the joggers said, “He was a terra-cotta color. I thought he was a statue. Who would be that color?”

The weirdo guy apparently was posing as a statue. The joggers called the police and they sent up the helicopter looking for him.

Maybe they couldn't find him because he was masquerading as this:

Nosey Senior Citizens

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the new store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some nosy senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, took a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer says, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Senior citizens - Don't mess with them!

Thanks, Sheri

But, Officer...

Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph on his way to Dallas with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate...............

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!



Thanks, Gretch

Crazy Lady

I don't know why but that picture reminds me of this:

RENO 911!

Appliance Fixation

More Funny Videos
Comedians on Tour

Get Funny Ringtones
Stand-Up Comedy

I remember the first time I saw this episode of Reno 911. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.

You're Fired

News anchor laughs at gruesome murder. Not to defend her by any means, but I think she was laughing at the husband's huge, bulging eyeballs.

Via

Full Disclosure - It's The Law

Thanks, Martha

David Letterman @ Taco Bell

Thanks, KC

Wax On, Wax Off

Via

Broke

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!, I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f**cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'

Thanks, Becky

Shocked

I'm coming, Elizabeth! Poor kid.

Via

What Marriage Is All About (I Hope Not!)

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ... 'THE TEETH'.


Thanks, Peggy

Gross

To Big Daddy

Not really, Big Daddy! We love you!

Picture Via

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot
with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and
gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never
sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and
teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2008 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark.
They are both charged with assault and both expelled, even though Johnny started
it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the
Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then
tested for A.D.D. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a
disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with
his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and
becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care
and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an
affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2008 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations.
His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU
files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English
teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma
anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a
model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2008 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called.. Johnny is charged with
domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are
removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed
on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying
by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3
years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Thanks, Martha

Forgive Your Enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: 'I outlived the bitches.'

Thanks, Peggy

A Cowboy's Headstone

Thanks, Peggy.

TX Death Row Inmate Pulls Out His One Good Eye And...

This is one of the grossest things I've read in a long, long time.

From CBS11tv:
"A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye, authorities said Friday."

He told officers he ate it.

Go here to read more: Death Row Inmate Pulls Out His Eye & Eats It

Hypnotist At The Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces........................."SHIT!" said the hypnotist..

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

Thanks, Peggy

It's Just Like A Mini Mall

I had seen this before a while back, but got it again recently in an email from a friend of mine. It's funny.


I bet the "mini mall" guy can do this:


Thanks, Shelly