Monday, January 14, 2008

10 Ways You Can Tell Your Amish Teen Is Headed For Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.


This reminds me of the time my family and I were all in Mena, Arkansas at the Pizza Hut. I was about 10 years old at the time, but I can remember this like it was yesterday. We were all sitting down at a table waiting for our pizza and there was, like, 20 people in the restaurant. The men had beards with no moustaches (picture Abe Lincoln.) The women all had on little white bonnet things and long sleeved shirts and very long skirts. My mother, who whispers about like a chainsaw, starts asking all of my family members, "Are those Mennonites?" It was so loud you could have heard her down the street at Dairy Queen. I wanted to crawl under the table.

Now, when she starts whispering about people who are in the same room as her, I say one word: Mennonites. Her reply is always the same: Was I talking loud? They couldn't hear me.

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