Another Snake Story

Last night, we were outside and I was pulling the weeds in the "flower bed". I hadn't done that in, like, two years. Papa Rooster was next door at my brother's house. They were outside doing something (probably drinking beer, passing gas, and talking about NASCAR.) But anyway, me and Shorty were pulling the weeds and I had one small patch to go. I grabbed a handful of weeds and was admiring the roots that I had gotten in that one tug (I think I even did a Tim Allen grunt because I was so proud of myself). Then I look down to admire the clean, weed-free hole this bunch of roots came from, and lo and behold there's a freakin' snake. So, of course, I scream at the top of my lungs. I grab Maddie and all I hear is what sounds like tools being dropped next door and my brother and Papa Rooster say, "What is it?" I yelled, "Snake." They come trotting over to check it out. By the time they get over here, the snake has gone back into his hole or den or tree or bush or wherever it is that snakes live.

Their second question, "How big was it?" I show them how big (about a foot long). Their response, "Aw, hell, probably just an ol' grass snake." My reply, "I don't give a shit if it's a grass snake or a python or a cotton mouth or a rubber snake - a snake is a freakin' snake and it must die." Papa Rooster jogs to the barn and gets a sharp shooter. He comes back and starts jabbing at the ground. My brother keeps saying things like, "Are you sure it was a snake? It probably was a lizard. I think you're seeing things."

I am seeing things, Bro. I'm seeing the time when Big Daddy Rooster and I were in the shed a few years ago and you were outside in front of your house and I heard what I thought was a school girl scream the loudest scream I have ever heard in my life. And then you come running around the back of your house flailing your orangutan arms in the air screaming, "Help, it's after me. Sweet Jesus, help me. It's a f***in' alien or something. Help! Help!"

I will never forget that shrill, ear-piercing little girl scream that came out of your 6'4" frame over a f***in' bug that buzzed by your head. Aren't paybacks a bitch?

(I'm getting the heebie-jeebies looking at snake pictures trying to find out what kind of snake it was that I saw last night. These look like the one I saw, but I'm too freaked out to keep looking.)